(this was written over three days, so if it kind of seems unbalanced or like my train of thought changes a couple times, it’s because it did. i actually don’t see a good point to it anymore, but i was sick of it sitting in my drafts.)
this academic probation thing is gonna be the death of me.
they put me in this horrible class where we learn ‘college study skills’. i’ve never felt smart and stupid at the same time until now. they open the class with a speech about how probation is not a punishment, it’s just them wanting to ‘help us’. um, really? i’d rather think of it as punishment, because that way it would be like they’re saying ‘hey guess what? you’re smart and capable of all that, but because you didn’t act like it for a year and got a sucky gpa, this is how we’re gonna make you pay for it, as if you don’t already hate yourself for it.’ the way they say it, it’s like we’re academically retarded and they’re giving us handicaps for it. all this to say, YES i will look at it as a punishment.
anyways. venting is over, i’m getting to my point. part of this ‘class’ was taking all these assessments and turning them in, then going in to talk to someone about our results. this infuriating woman takes out a sheet with all my test results(and should i add, the same tests i’ve taken countless times from the different therapists i’ve been sent to figure out what’s wrong with me), all the while talking to me like a 5 year old. i take the sheet from her, and explain each item. i know the answer to every question she asks me. i know more about this stuff than the papers she has even let on. finally i get the usual, taken aback “wow, you really know yourself well.”
yes, i do…why is everyone always surprised to hear this? do most people not know themselves? is it not normal for me to understand how i am?
this is how i operate.
i am an extrovert but tend to gravitate toward introverted people, because 1. most extroverts make me look/feel introverted, and 2. i’ve found that some people like to have talkative people to bring them out. the whole opposites attracting thing. and if nothing else, they’re usually good listeners. and i HATE to be alone, ever. (this is why i love my hall so much, i never have to look very far to find someone to talk to) i’m both a talker and a listener. if i’m in a room with a big group of people, i’m just fine listening and not saying a word. if i’m with just one or two people, i’ll talk a lot more, but i still love listening. and in either scenario, i’m totally comfortable, as long as i feel like i’m wanted in either one. but, i do like the one or two people kind best.
i can’t study alone, or in silence. but i’d rather work alone with music on than study when there are a bunch of people talking about different things, or even just studying different things.
i’m an extremely visual learner. i have to see the words of a song to memorize them, no matter how many times i hear it on the radio. i need power point to understand what a teacher is saying, and when i was little and people would read to me, i had to be able to read along over their shoulder to keep up with it.(actually, i’m still that way. lauren knows. haha)
i don’t do well with sitting still. and i definitely can’t learn without moving. when i was in awana, i would pace back and forth while i learned my verses, or clap for each word, or something like that. i’m always tapping my pen or playing with my keys in class.(as i’m sure the unfortunate people who sit around me have noticed) and if you’ve ever sat in a room talking to me for any length of time, you’ve noticed that i sit in about five different seats within an hour, or if i’m not switching seats, i’m at least moving around a lot in my one seat.
i’m not good at thinking abstractly. i have to have a concrete metaphor to go with anything. (if you’ve read other things i’ve written, you’ll see how God works with me on this. He lets me see something, like a random tree, and draw some biblical lesson out of it.) i never understood trinidad and tobago until i compared them to peanut butter and jelly.
knowing all of this, i figured out(long ago) exactly what helps me concentrate and what distracts me, what makes me remember things, what gets me motivated, etc etc etc. and i see none of any of that ^^^ a problem. i love being that way. they work on me.
but none of this really matters to me. i really don’t care about any of that. sure i understand it, but there’s plenty of other much more important things that i’ve never understood about me.
i will NEVER understand how/why…
1. i let myself believe that some people might be different, when all they do is turn out like everyone else.
2. i never, ever, ever mean as much to people as they mean to me.
3. i get so attached to the people who are most likely to leave me, and after they’ve left, why it takes so long for me to go on with life(normal people forget these things so much faster.)
4. i trust people so much and never learn from all the times that people don’t live up to it.
5. missing people hurts me so much more than it does everyone else.
6. i can’t be still and rest without everything else catching up to me.
7. i can’t forget, or give up on anything, ever.
yes, i definitely understand how my mind works. but i’d much rather be able to explain what’s up with my heart. that’s my meaning of “‘knowing myself.”