(i promise this is the last i’ll write about #3!! on earth.)
i was listening to matthew west and thinking about csu(all while writing a paper, which i have now FINISHED, two days ahead of time). and this song sounded so much like my year, i had to write it down.
see, most people think i was either lazy, stupid, or just ‘having too much fun’ all year, and that’s why my grades were so bad and i hated it so much there. no one gets it.
i wanted and expected to love it there. but this was in the summer, before i got there, when i was still myself. (the normal me is happy all the time, talks to everybody, and is never terrified of new places with new people, but you knew all this.)
from the minute i drove in the gate, something wasn’t right. i wanted with everything in me to cry to my mom to take me home right then, but i figured it was just hitting me that i was leaving home or something, and i’d be better soon enough. but then i wasn’t. then on top of all this, i forgot how to talk to people and no one tried to talk to me, no one ever told me anything(like what was where and when to go where), they didn’t love on the freshmen and help them out anything like they do at ciu, and my roommate bringing in her drunk friends all the time didn’t help much either. when you add in having to learn how to learn(homeschool to college is NOT an easy thing)…my life was just upside down.
i didn’t understand myself. which made me hate myself. which i’d never done before, so i didn’t know how to deal with myself. i stopped eating, i stopped trying to talk to people(which hadn’t done any good for me in the beginning anyways), i pretty much just stopped caring about anything. and the worst part was, anyone that could notice a difference, was far away at home. people at csu could assume that i’d always been a silent, depressed, skinny, academically retarded loser who sucked at life. and assuming something was horribly wrong with me, i didn’t know how to tell anybody(whether at home or in charleston or anywhere) how miserable i was.
i remember going home once and meghan asked ‘linda you’re tiny. why are you tiny?’ i didn’t answer. somehow i didn’t want the people who actually cared about me to know what i was going through.
what’s funny is that as soon as i got home, i was aways fine. i was happy and loud and myself again.
here, it’s clear, that i’m not getting better
when i fall down, you put me back together.
i’m alone in my room, i don’t know what to do,
but when i fall down, you put me back together.
weezer had it figured out. my friends would pick me back up, humpty dumpty style, but they’d have to send me back to school eventually, where i’d fall apart again.
looking back, my frighteningly low GPA was the least of my problems(even though it was the only thing my parents and my teachers cared about). that was actually the best part, because that’s what got me out of that hellish prison and led me to ciu.
and honestly, there’s a lot about all that went on that year that i don’t understand any better than you. i hate when people ask why i didn’t talk or eat or sleep, because i couldn’t, and still can’t, explain it. but this song is pretty close to how i felt.
the king of contradictions strikes again
you said the last to cross the finish line will win
and the beggars will be millionaires someday
the humble ones are gonna have their say.
well all my friends are gone now, and all my money’s gone now
and all my pride is gone now, and if what you say is true now…
this will be my finest hour….this will be my finest hour.
well everything is opposite down here, the strong survive and the rest just disappear
but your philosophy is more unique, you say i’ll be stronger when i’m weak.
and this will be my finest hour…this will be my finest hour.
it’s 2 am and sleepless, i’m wide awake and restless
i don’t know what my deal is, i’ve NEVER felt so helpless.
but this will be my finest hour, this will be my finest hour.
and now…now there isn’t a song big enough to describe ciu. i remember what it’s like to be happy all the time. i have friends everywhere i go, and if i do walk into a room where i don’t have any, i can easily make 5 new ones. people care about me.(there’s no way i could get away with skipping even one meal, much less twenty, without someone asking what’s wrong.) i love my life again.
if i ever find the right song, i’ll post that one too.