just a thought. · parts of my whole story.

lonely.

(this isn’t one of my complaining posts.[although what’s funny is i’m actually alone while i’m writing all this]but i couldn’t think of a better title, and it fits.)

i am the most extroverted person i know. not because i’m the most outgoing, but because i need people more than anyone else i know.
i can’t sleep if there’s no one in the room with me.
i never like movies, or especially tv, half as much when i watch them by myself.
if i’m upset, the first thing i do is look for people to either distract me or hug me.
if there’s just me and another person in a room, i’d rather be right next to them than sitting across the room from them.
i feel claustrophobic and cut off from the world when my door is closed and there are people talking in the hall.
when everyone goes to bed at night and i’m still awake, i miss them even though i’ll see them the next morning.
i start to feel like i’m suffocating if i go a few hours without a hug.
at camp, when the girls would go to bed and amber would leave the cabin for the night, i would miss her for a few minutes. or even when jenna would go to sleep, i would miss her. even though there wasn’t even a door or anything between our rooms(just a wall and a doorway).
and whether anyone is talking or not, to me or each other or whoever, i always think better in a room full of people.

i’m never the pathetic/miserable kind of lonely like i was at csu. my definition of ‘lonely’ here would be ‘happy, but a tiny bit less happy than i could be if there was someone else around instead of just me’.
but, while this isn’t necessarily a bad quality(although it annoys me sometimes, now and then i wish i were one of those people who didn’t always need to be with someone), there’s a quote from my most favorite devotional book ever, that i tend to forget a lot.

“time spent alone is really time spent with God. don’t waste it.”

i NEVER forgot this at csu. it was there that i discovered that maybe at home, my friends had been something of a distraction. it wasn’t that they were a bad influence or anything, not even close. but pulling myself away and spending quality time with God was a hard habit to get into. so in that miserably lonely prison called charleston, God was really the only friend i had, so it was easy to have my quiet times every single day. now and then i would even thank Him for taking away my friends and my formerly outgoing personality so i could learn how to be alone. plus, it was so hard to find Him anywhere except my spare closet where i had my Jesus time, it made me want to spend a lot more time with Him.
i guess that would be the only down side to the fact that all through every one of my classes, and in chapel, and even in random dinner conversations, i get to hear from God all day long; i forget how much i need, and love, those alone times. it’s hard sometimes to make myself pull away from my friends and the outside world, and just be with Jesus.
i just need to remember that i’m never actually alone.

just a thought.

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