stories about nothing and everything

"beth, what can i do?"

[the usual disclaimer to beth: i love you and am on your side. this is not directed at you. but you still might now want to read on, as it may make you sad, and i wouldn’t like that.]

“and i try so hard not to notice,
i try so hard not to care
i try so hard not to know that you’re not here.”

why is so much of the pain in my life related to church? why can’t we love each other like the good old days?(and by that, i mean like in acts. that church was legit.)

i don’t know where to go. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know why this isn’t getting better. i don’t know why God won’t let me run away from all this. i don’t know why He doesn’t take away the hurting and let me forgive the people who did this.

“i don’t wanna be perfect…just all right.”

i don’t have to not miss her. i just want to enjoy my church again, be able to serve with a happy heart, and go just one sunday without hiding in the shower and crying. i don’t need for things to be the same. i just want to learn to live with the changes.

why can’t i?

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