i hate when someone says “don’t get your hopes up.” they’re always already up when you tell me that.
do we really have any say in them? can we pick and choose what we get our hopes up for? or what we don’t?
i had hopes. i know i did. i just didn’t realize it until today.
i like to believe that i’m from the school of thought that says everyone will eventually leave, or let you down. but that’s hardly ever the way i act. i tend to let everyone in that asks, and half of them aren’t even really wanting to be there. then there are sometimes, when i’m braced so much for the moment when you’ll walk out of my life, that i act like you’ve already left me.
there is no middle ground with me. i’ll either love you too hard or not at all. this is how it is with everyone who wanders into my life.(everyone wanders. few people purposefully choose to walk into it)
sometimes i can see it coming. i see it, and i promise myself i won’t let them close enough to my heart to screw it up, then i let them through anyways. it’s like i have no control over who i trust. or care about. or get attached to.
and half the time, whoever i do fall for, doesn’t want to catch me. while they’re busy being there for someone else, i get myself hurt again.
then i hide. to see who will look for me. and no one ever does. i always have to come back out on my own.
i forget my point. i did have one. but i think my fever’s coming back, so i should go back to bed.
and i just realized, i’m not supposed to be complaining. let’s imagine that i’m just stating truths, not complaining about them.