just a thought.

…or so i’ve been told.

i have a way with words.
i am quiet.
i’m a good listener.
i think too much.
i need to think more.
i have too much energy.
i bounce when i walk.
i drag my feet and look really tired when i walk.
i am a big problem.
i know myself amazingly well.
i need to watch my mouth.
i get life.
i should sleep more.
i should eat more.
i eat too much and need to be careful.
i am fiercely loyal.
i have a work ethic that people are jealous of.
i don’t seem like a homeschooler.
i love Jesus a lot.

i actually disagree with most of these(so many contradictions). but thankfully, i honestly don’t care what people think. (unless it’s the last one or something related to that). i’m happy, and i love being me. it’s my favorite hobby.
that last one is my favorite because one of my campers said it. the exact quote was “you seem like you love Jesus a lot. that’s cool. i love Jesus too!”(it made me so happy that i couldn’t think of anything to say except “you’re gonna be the coolest person ever when you grow up.” and then she was smiling for like an hour)
it is cool isn’t it?

stories about camp

for once, i think i’ll talk about my camp staff a little.

[note: i started this a week ago and just now finished it. all but porter’s were written a while back.]

i’ve noticed a trend in my camp related posts: it probably really sounds like i don’t like the people i work with.
seriously. i’m always saying how the campers are my reason to stay, how if i were only there for the staff i would have quit a long time ago, and all that. this makes me sad. because for the most part, that isn’t true.
i love everything about camp. how much i love the staff should show you how much i love my campers, because i’m always saying i love them even more. which i do. it’s kinda like when people think about how much they love their kids, and they try to imagine how much God loves them when it’s even more than they love them. you know?
as a camper, i thought the sun rose and shone on people like britnie reid, elizabeth teal, lucy…i could go on. i wanted to be just like them. they were like celebrities to me. getting to actually work there was my dream from the age of 13. it was like getting to be a guest star on friends or something, working among all the greats that i’d loved and looked up to for years. i remember in my interview, i told cindy that i wanted to be to my campers what my staffers had been to me.
so my first summer, the highlight was of course the people i got to be around. i got to be an equal with all my heroes. in a lot of ways, i think i still thought of myself as a camper. my view of camp got shaken up and turned upside down in the best way possible that year.
my second year, i had to get used to a lot of people being gone(the whole turnover deal, like i talked about a post or two ago), but as usual there were lots of great new people. that was the year that taught me about leading not just my girls, but also the staff in some ways. but not as many as the next.
this summer was the hardest, but that’s what made it the best. within my first few hours on the day the new staff moved in, i knew God had a challenge for me. people were looking up to me like never before. when i said things, they were listening. when they didn’t know things, they were asking me what to do. the incredible thing was, i somehow knew the answers. and i realized, that now i got to be what my old staffers were when i was new at the job.
and as each summer has gone by, i’ve learned to appreciate the whole dynamic of the staff more and more. you learn so much about a person by working closely with them for ten weeks. cindy tells us at the end of every summer(and she’s told me this a lot of times throughout the year too, i forget it a lot) “once a camp friend, always a camp friend.” i think that finally clicked for me this year. it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll always stay in touch or even that you’ll see each other again after the summer is over. but whether you’re friends for 5 days, 5 years, or the rest of your life when your time at camp is over, you become a permanent part of each other’s lives. you have a whole summer of experiences that only those people can fully understand. it’s like you’ve shared this separate little world for a time. you’ve seen God move and had your life changed in ways that no one else can quite appreciate. you don’t forget things like that. 
yes, camp friends are special. people like them just don’t exist in the real world.
so while the campers are still my main focus and purpose, i still love the relationships that are such a big and important part of camp. there’s so many that i either just happily remember now, or that i’ve kept up since june 2, 2008. or there’s some that i was glad to see end, but i still learned from them. 
here’s a few.

1. chasity was my cit in 2006. (in cabin 11, with amanda holliday =] ) God put his sense of humor to use and put me as her cit two years later in my first summer. we were a pretty awesome match. she was good at calming down my inner camper and showing me how to be the leader without making me feel like i was doing something wrong, and since she had been a cit before, she was GREAT at showing me how to do things, keeping me from going crazy when no one would listen to me, and getting me to breathe the day of our first mother-daughter. ;]
thanks for being such an awesome role model, “teacher”, and friend that year. i think you would have been proud of the way i ran things this summer. =]

2. hope was there from the very beginning. she was the first new person i met my first day of orientation my first summer. we were cit’s together that year. both of us had been campers before but had no clue what we were doing. we were in different units, but as cit’s get the honor of doing(and that’s only a slight exaggeration. it’s SO much fun, you get to see people you don’t ever see, and you get a break from the girls without feeling like you’re doing nothing. i always thought it was pretty great), we had fun times in the dining hall after every meal. we weren’t too too close that year(i actually thought she was shy at first. no, seriously), which surprises me now that i think about it. although. i do remember one time, it was coed week. hope was in cabin 5 and i was in 8, and cabin 10 had come to 8 for our cabin visit. it’s raining and starting to storm. hope comes crashing in right while the missionary was talking(that cool guy from india that wrote worship songs), and pulls me out to help her take the flags off our pole. so we’re trying and trying to get the string undone, but it won’t come off and there’s lightning all over the place, and we both realize we’re touching a metal pole. we both freak out and decide to just leave the flags, and we run screaming in opposite directions to get back inside. anyways, back to seriousness…
our second summer, we had both grown a lot. hope got to be a cabin leader that year, but i stayed a cit. (i’ve never been quite sure why i did that) in all honesty, i was sometimes jealous of her, because as orientation went on, i was thinking i could have handled being a cabin leader(although i disagreed at the end of the summer when i had the job for two weeks), and people kept forgetting that i had been there just as long as she had(since i was a cit, it does make sense). over the summer, God seriously humbled me.(not just about hope, that wasn’t a huge deal, but that’s who this little section is about and it’s a small example) and really, i looked up to her and would a lot of times forget that we’d worked there the same amount of time. honestly, i still think she’s better at the job than i am.
this year was the best. i wrote this in my journal the day me and the other old staff got there this year:

        “we talked about how we’re all leaders, not just for the girls, but for the new staff too. i looked around the room, and i realized: all my supports, the people i used to lean on, are gone. the only person left from my first summer is hope. everyone will be looking up to us now, and when i look up, there’s no one there. that’s terrifying.”

after this, i found myself watching hope more and more. and i thought a lot about how much we had gotten to see each other grow over our first two summers. she’s become so much more important to me now. God taught me so much this year through her.
hope: to think that when i met you, i thought “we’ll never be close.” but all our near death experiences, and other awesome times together made my whole summer. thank you for being such an encouragement to me, and as you figured out when we got to live together, i’m always here for you. =]

3. in 2007, i had heard about somebody that everyone called “bean.” i had no idea of the story behind it and never actually talked to her that year, except for the first day when she read the names for adventure rec, she of course said my last name wrong(it is NOT said like “sweer”. so i corrected her, saying “swier-don’t-forget-it!” so the next day, and the rest of the week, she would read “linda swier don’t forget it?” and i’d say “here, good job.” little did i know that in a year she was about to become one of my favorite people.
while i was over in cabin 7 with chasity, bean was in cabin 6, plus i got to work with her in adventure rec(i was usually emily’s partner, but still), so we saw a whole lot of each other. and while i appreciated her awesomeness and all, it wasn’t really until the next year that we started getting close. as everyone started dropping like flies in the middle of summer ’09, i turned to her. while i was right in predicting she’d be next to go(i appreciated it being after summer was over), she kept me going. when the words “i’m not staying here one second longer than i have to” came out of my mouth, she was the one to remind me why i love camp.
i’m so glad that we’ve stuck even after our camp time is over and i’ve loved how much closer we’ve gotten since last last summer. thanks for keeping me sane, making me laugh and just being an awesome friend! 

4. sarah porter…where do i start? 
as a camper, i was honestly terrified of her. in not such a bad way, i loved her but i was scared to death to talk to her. once i started working with her, for the most part i thought she really didn’t like me much. but that first summer, when i was at my absolute lowest, she became the person i went to. and i found that she’s one of the most encouraging people i know. for that summer and the next, i could always look to her for a hug or a “great job” or a reminder to “rest,” or permission to be in the deep end while the girls were diving. ;]
i miss you porter. and i know you love me, even if you show it in unusual ways. =]

i’ve told stories about the others in other posts or in my facebook notes; it’s one of those days where i miss them too much to write about them, so you can go read about them somewhere else. so as much as i do love my campers, i could never survive the summer without my “family”. they’ve taught me so much and gotten me through the worst days. i’ve met some of the best friends i have because of camp. 
just one more reason i have the best job in the world.

stories about school

"what do you wanna be when you grow up?"

such a simple question. when you’re little it’s a fun one, because your livelihood doesn’t depend on it or anything. then you actually do grow up, and the question is terrifying, mostly because you either don’t have an answer or don’t know how to make the answer happen.
i was so much more sure of myself when i was little.
when i was 5, i wanted to be somebody’s wife.(not that i don’t want that anymore, but it was funnier back then when i didn’t have any other option in my mind and i was positive that was all i would ever need to be)
when i was 6ish, i wanted to be a vet.
when i was 8, i wanted to be an olympic gymnast.
when i was about 9, and on until i was about 13, i wanted to be a vet again. i was pretty serious about it until they killed my cat, then i decided vets are evil people and i couldn’t be one.
and finally, kind of overlapping the vet thing, when i was 14 i wanted to join ballet magnificat. and as much as mrs debbie assured me that i would NEVER make it, i was sure that it was what God wanted and that it would happen. but after screwing up both of my knees, being told enough times that it didn’t matter how much i loved dancing for Jesus i just sucked too much to even audition, moving 30 minutes away from my old studio, and quitting dance, that dream just kind of died.
and with all of that, there was always an assumed “and in the summers i’ll work at camp.”
starting when i was about 14, i thought about going to new york film academy and being a director(the idea of writing sitcoms was floating in the back of my head a little too). i kind of wanted to be an actress, but in much the same way as i’d rather take pictures than be in them, the idea of creating movies, being behind the camera where people couldn’t see me, was better to me. on the side of whatever i ended up doing, i wanted to be a critic in my spare time. and after i quit dance, gained 15 pounds and knew that ballet mag was no longer any kind of possible, i seriously thought i would be in new york after i graduated. movies were my life. if i wasn’t watching them, i was writing about them, debating them on imdb, or just thinking about them in some way. it didn’t matter what kind of effect something had on me, or how much my parents told me not to see any certain one, or how much some of them went against what i claimed to believe. and i didn’t care about school, since i figured NYFA wouldn’t look at my grades, they’d just want to know that i knew movies.
but God started shaking this in the summer of 2008. i’ve told the story too many times, go find it in one of my older posts.
my senior year i took mrs montgomery’s film class. besides learning how to write a paper(being homeschooled, i had never written one until that semester), and getting to watch/discuss/review movies and call it school, i learned so much about how movies affect the way we think and look at the world. i saw how twisted a lot of my thinking had become.
side note: “hollywood worldviews” by brian godawa is one of those must-read-before-you-die books. such good stuff. and any of you homeschoolers that i still talk to that go to the resource center should take that class the first chance you get.
so, over the course of that semester, while God was still working on me with the whole “go to csu, major in psych and learn how to help those unfortunate kids that you love”, i threw out the NYFA dream(although semi secretly, i’d still LOVE to go take a 4 week workshop just for fun) and decided to follow God’s dream instead. the only problem was, i didn’t know what that was yet. and it’s still kind of illusive.
so. what DO i want to be? well, the beauty part is that that’s not even a question i care about anymore. i want to know, what does God want me to be when i grow up?
i don’t actually know. but it makes me think of camp. in a bunch of ways, but the one i’m talking about now is megan’s painting on tuesday nights. what she would do was she’d have all these pieces of a picture, kind of like a puzzle. she’d paint the outlines on the mixed up pieces, and the more you saw, the better idea you had of what it would come out as. when she was finished, she’d unscramble them and put them in the right order so it made the camp logo.
i think God’s plan is like that. He paints one piece at a time until finally, we have all the pieces, we just need Him to show us what to make with those pieces. i’m at that point. i can see that there’s something awesome in His head for me, i just don’t know how all these are supposed to add up.
i know that i love Jesus, i love people, i’m fascinated with understanding how people think, and i love listening and helping people. but i also know i’m not meant for counseling, at least not in the conventional way. (i’m too empathetic, i would always be mad at someone or depressed about something if i had people telling me their problems all day)
i LOVE figuring out how people learn, i think my fellow ADD sufferers are the most interesting people in the world, and i would so love to help them understand how they think so they can learn better, but that couldn’t be all i did.(my most recent ADD doctor asked if his job sounded appealing to me, i told him “no, it’s boring and you had to go to school for too long, and most people don’t understand themselves as well as i do and i don’t have patience with people like that.” he laughed for like a whole minute, but i meant every word i said)
i love kids and i love camp. i have this great big passion for kids that aren’t loved. i would love to help families learn how to love each other, but you need a master’s for that and i’m not a good enough student to handle grad school, plus…i just don’t WANT to be in school more than the necessary 4 years.
and somewhere in there, i wanna go to guatemala and love on all the orphans. just for a little while, like less than a month. but i’d like it if God had that in His calendar somewhere for me.
in all honesty, my 5 year old dream is still the one i’d have in a perfect world. but since i need a backup, i may as well keep looking for something that includes everything else i’m good at.
can i just work at camp all my life?

just a thought.

probably the quickest post i’ve ever written.

you know how, in tetris, or at least the one on facebook, if you don’t like the piece they give you, you just hit a button and set it aside until you need it?
daniel says that’s lame and you should just take what you get the first time.
i was replaying that conversation in my head a minute ago, and as i tend to do, i started thinking, and here’s the genius life application i came up with:
don’t you wish, that whatever situation God was dropping into your life, if you didn’t want it or weren’t ready for it yet, that you could just put it on hold and get something else until you’re ready to deal with it?
i do.
i guess God holds a little more to daniel’s view. but oh, if i could just put this work on hold and get thanksgiving break right now…

stories about school


note: 1. when i say turnover, i’m not talking about the kind with apples in it, or the kind where we’ve held off the north girls long enough to get the ball for ourselves and score on them again(i get super happy every time i think about that. sorry my yankee friends, i really do love yall.) 2. at 3 am, my trains of thought get really long. but if you’ve got some time, i ran into some good stuff on this train. you’ve been warned.

the other night(i think it was sunday), i had the weirdest dream ever, where it was graduation day here.(as in, may 2011)i’m not sure what the worst part of it was, the fact that the only people on the stage were the ones i know and will miss once they’re gone, or that i was somehow the only one in the audience so there was no one to hug me(graduations make me cry worse than other people cry at funerals), or just the reminder that things won’t ever be the same after that.
the only part i hated about youth group was the whole month of may. preparing for the end of the year, then finally having to say goodbye to the seniors, knowing that youth group as we knew it was over. sure, they always visit(we’re such a family, we don’t really lose touch, we just don’t see each other), but as life goes, it’s never the same. out with the old, in with the new, all that. it sucks.
i think that’s why my first year there was the best. i didn’t have anything to compare it to. i wasn’t able to say “remember when so and so did such and such on whatever retreat?” or anything like that.
so after i woke up, i started thinking about all the people that we’ll be losing in 6 months, whether i talk to them every day or just am used to seeing them around. and i thought, i really need to be reminding myself that they won’t be here forever. everything gets to change. we get all new freshmen to replace them. echoing my already too long reflections on north vs south being over, the sad part about saturday night was standing with my team, looking around at everyone, and trying to hold onto that feeling after we’d worked so hard for so long and finally won together, fixing the moment in my head as hard as i could, knowing i would never be playing this game with these people again. half our team this year were seniors(or grads that are fixing to graduate again).
[random thought: this was definitely on sunday night. see, jonathan monk told me that next year to split the teams up, it’ll be freshmen and seniors vs sophomores and juniors. so i was trying to think who the south would lose, and i realized that for a lot of our team, this was their last year playing. then later that night, me and allison were talking about people coming and going, and how fast time goes, and stuff like that…yeah, i guess this actually wasn’t a random dream at all.]
so i laid in my bed for a while, thought some more, and decided: either i need to quit getting attached to all these upperclassmen that are about to leave and just pretend they’re already gone so i won’t miss them when they really are gone, or, i do the smarter thing and get as much as possible out of the time they’ll be here, since they’re awesome people and i don’t have them for 2 more years like i do everyone else.
and then i fell back to sleep, and forgot about it until now, when i need more sleep.

rambles on ciu sports

what the shortest hour of my life taught me.

so, i’ve been excited for today pretty much since i got here. before we were even two weeks into the semester, i had had at least five upperclassmen ask me “so are you playing for the north or for the south?” (the first time i heard this, i said “um, the south, but for what?”) and now it’s over. the laughing until i cried, crying until i laughed, powering through the early mornings and freezing cold nights, and the one teeny tiny stretch of time that we got to play the actual game for, probably add up to the best part of this whole semester.
i feel a lot like i always would after dance recitals. hours of practicing(i came home crying after most of those too), all for something that lasts just a couple hours. but somehow i loved every minute of it, and when it was over, i’d wish we could do it all again, and i’d miss everyone who was part of it within like an hour.
for the past month and a half, i’ve kept a list and added things to it each practice(or most of them anyways). i really hate some things i wrote, the earlier ones seem stupid to me now. but i’ll still put them in here, just to show how much things turned around.(can i just say how much i LOVE these off the wall ways that God gets through to me? yeah. He’s awesome.)

1. “i like your hustle” means “wow, you suck, but you still try so hard anyways.”
2. unless otherwise told, stand on mary’s left and wait for the ball to get thrown to anyone but me.
3. there’s actually more than one 1st down. look at it like this: there’s a first week of camp. then the next summer, you have another FIRST week of camp, but in between, you have a 2nd, a 3rd, and a 4th(and up to the 9th, but we’re really talking about football, not camp). so imagine, that you have a first week, then if you have a really good second week, you might not even have to do the 3rd or 4th. see, you get one, and then you have 3 chances to get another one. basically: football revolves around 1st downs. you can’t get touchdowns without em. note to self: figure out how many yards between 1st downs.
4. there are 10 yards between downs.
5. don’t ask questions. i have no purpose anyways.
6. OH. so if they don’t throw me the ball, i can hit the people trying to get through the o-line. note: find out what the point of blocking is. what happens if they get through?
7. LIGHTBULB. ok. so the d-line wants to pull mary’s flags before she throws the ball. here’s my job: mary is scott. the d-line is either a car, or just someone trying to hurt him. in real life, i’d do whatever it took to make sure nothing happened to him. so instead of whining that i don’t get to be lattimore, i need to do everything i can to protect “scott”. after mary safely gets the ball out of her hands, whoever catches it becomes the new scott, and i need to get in the way of people trying to get to that person. this must be what they mean by blocking.
8. as long as we win, it doesn’t matter how much i get to do. either way, it really is fun.

and a number 9 has slowly evolved over the course of this whole thing. besides becoming this weird but awesome kind of family, our team is a lot like the body of christ.
while it’s true that some people are more important than others, but you need everybody. if someone is missing, things just don’t work. (all of us on offense learned this just a little too well) and instead of complaining about the job we’re given, it makes everything better for everybody if you just work hard at what you’re supposed to be doing.
in pretty much exactly the same way, God gives some people bigger purposes than others. but in the end, if we do whatever He’s called us to instead of questioning Him and asking why we can’t have this other person’s gifts or position or whatever it is, we get so much more done.
plus, in the case of football, it’s so much more fun to be happy with where you are.
after all our hard work, figuring out what we were doing(i can’t have been the only one who started out clueless), getting everything right, learning how to work together, what we ended up with turned out so awesome.
and when we won tonight, and we were all done hugging each other, and we went to stand with the other team together, i realized that it wouldn’t have mattered if we had lost. i had so much fun and met all these amazing people, and learned a whole lot, so the actual game(even though it was the best part) didn’t make half as much a difference as everything leading up to it.
winning did make it even better though ;] seriously. we wanted it. we worked for it. and we got it!!!! 16-0!!!! i’m SO proud of us and i wish we could play again tomorrow. i still can’t believe it’s over.
ok, i’m crying like a baby right now. i’ll blame it on a combination of the fact that it’s 3 am(but feels like 4 with the time change and all that), i have 6 huge bruises, and i only slept an hour last night. and i guess it could be a little bit because we don’t get to be together on monday nights anymore, but the other things sound less sad.
i love yall. this was the best day ever. =]

stories about memories

#tweet your 16 year old self.

hashtags are the most addictive thing about twitter. this one was my favorite ever.
but i’ll be posting about 28 of them because i can’t think of just one.

things my 16 year old self needed to know:
1. stop missing him. in a year and a half you are going to end up VERY irreversibly screwed up.
2. thank your family every day for making you move and taking you away from your “life”. in 3 weeks, you’re about to meet 31 very important people.
3. don’t quit dancing. otherwise you’re gonna gain 15 pounds and all your relatives will start using the phrase “wow, look how big you’ve gotten!” in a non-complimenting way.
4. in a similar vein: don’t be stupid. fricking EAT. elseways, you’ll keep being stupid until you can’t stop it.
5. i’m glad you decided to live for 2 more days, that’s all the time God and beth needed to get to us.
6. be nicer to scott. he grows up to be a pretty wonderful person.
7. listen to your friends. they may have only known you for three months, but they know that he’s a stupid, selfish, immature player who’s absolutely no good for you, besides being two years younger than you. he won’t end up hurting you too bad, but you’ll still feel stupid.
8. be honest. you don’t have to say yes, since your feelings never change, but he’s still one of your best friends and you shouldn’t lead him on for two years without meaning to and end up breaking his heart. a year later you’ll break your own over the whole situation. so…tell him everything right away. as much as you think it will, it won’t hurt either of you.
9. do NOT go and see premonition. the 30 minutes you see before you get smart and leave the theater will make you lose a LOT of sleep for the next 3 years or more. sandra bullock isn’t even good in it, you are missing nothing.
10. please video matthew’s reaction at the end of ET. it’s priceless and i’d like to see it again.
11. the broom game? really, how could you not connect this to camp? you already know the secret!!!!!
actually, i’d never change that. all the time i spent on it, the videos i made, trying to get hints out of the few who knew it, all of that are some of my favorite retreat memories.
12. enjoy every single second you have in youth group as it is at this time. this is its golden age. don’t waste that hour after lunch at the farm. spend more time with that one than this one. don’t read into everything he says; i’ve already warned you, he’s an idiot. don’t waste your tears after ridge haven, you have two more. watch out for the stairs that friday night though, there’s shaving cream on them. really, i don’t have much to tell you about this. this is not the year that you take all this for granted. i wanna be like you.
13. write katie back, you don’t need sleep. you might get to see her again someday if you do.

you know, my 16 year old self rocked for the most part. i don’t have many things to teach her. can i write to my 18 year old self instead and tell her to run away fast?

stories about nothing and everything

it’s now the MOST wonderful time of the year!!!!!

yesterday was november 1st. which means we’re getting SO close to thanksgiving, in other words, lots of christmas music, lots of hours in the backyard raking leaves and throwing a baseball, lots of homemade soup, lots of hot chocolate, lots of cooking, and my favorites, NO school, NO getting up before 12, and NO cafeteria food. the only thing missing is the farm retreat. the whole season is a little sadder without my favorite part in it.
and then starting december 1st, lots of decorating, lots of christmas movies, even more christmas music, and giving people the presents i’ve been planning for months,(i LOVE shopping for other people. i’m not a fan of getting gifts but giving them is my favorite) except for matthew’s, who i always wait to get until around december 20th.
november 1st to december 25th are my favorite times to be in my house. fall, and christmas, and mom’s soup and bread. for the first time since i came to ciu, i may just remember what it’s like to be homesick. but in a happy way.

stories about memories · stories about school

the best days of our lives…

everyone says college is supposed to be the best days of your life. (half the people i’ve heard that from, aren’t in college anymore, go figure)
i’ve never ever agreed with this.
don’t get me wrong. i LOVE college and i’m happy here. (this is talking about ciu. my year in charleston was most definitely the worst days of my life and i’m actually feeling sick thinking about them right now…moving on.) but nothing will ever beat high school.
for the first half of it, i had dance. for the second half, i had my friends. and beth. and the old days of my youth group. i got to be with scott all the time. daniel still lived with us. fridays were for ben lippen football games or long talks in elizabeth’s hot tub, sundays were for youth group. me and leighanne and meghan would sit on one of their porches and talk about nothing for hours on random afternoons in the middle of the week. and summer was the time where everyone wrote me letters telling me about all their adventures and what we were all doing the next weekend that i’d be home.
true enough, the school part of it was miserable. i hated homeschooling, and the other day, i was listening to scott talk about it, and i started feeling more and more stressed the more i thought about what that was like. (i was made for a classroom. some people can learn on a couch, with their brothers yelling all day long, but i couldn’t. [to be fair, i do study for tests better at my house than i do at home])
but everything else makes up for it. i knew how to let people know me back then. i wasn’t as careful. or quiet. i had more friends. what people thought didn’t matter.
i blame a lot of it on csu though; that’s where i found out i couldn’t be myself everywhere. and then i didn’t know what to be. and now that i’m someplace much better, i still can’t seem to shake that idea. even though everyone loves me here, i can’t remember how to…be. if that’s the right word.
this was supposed to be a much happier train of thought. i’m ending it right now.

DISCLAIMER: i’m not complaining, about anything. please, please, don’t go off on me, telling me this is how life works, or everybody has to grow up, or people always change, blah blah blah…no. none of that. i know all that. i’m actually doing pretty well with this thing of growing up. all this is just to say that, in 20 years, when i compare, i’ll look back more happily on high school than on any other time in my life.