the main point of the post is everything in blue.(HA. it’s a blueprint…yeah i think i’m so happy i’m getting delirious.)
the things that i feel i need to explain, but are mostly unnecessary in other people’s minds are in green. you can skip them and still totally get what i’m trying to say. but if you have time or just feel like it, read on.
and the good stuff that’s on subject, but not absolutely necessary for getting my point, is in red.
all that being said, you get the full effect of my thought process if you read the whole thing, in order, but if you get bored easy or are just in a hurry, then just read the blue.
for a few months i’ve been on the long, scary, uncertain climb up the hill, not able to see when it would end, sick of being on that particular part of it, and now, i feel like i’ve finally gotten to the fun hill on my roller coaster of a year where i get to relax and breathe and remember how much i love it.
i just thought of that concept as i wrote it, and i really like it, so i think i’ll write a whole new post after this just on that. but that isn’t the point of this one so i’ll bookmark that thought.
[side note: i love windows 7. it’s so much easier to write when you can post-it your thoughts to your desktop and remember to write about them later, it keeps me from rambling like i’m doing now and fixing to stop]
this morning as i was walking out of our last interview(best day EVER but that’s one other thing i’ll write on in a few weeks), i got that verse ^^^ in my head. see, here’s what happened.
over the past few weeks i’ve been really figuring out how God works. specifically how to distinctify between His voice and all the others in my head(not in the crazy way, but i think so much and about so many things at once, plus i’m always replaying things in my head that people tell me, so it seems like i never have just my own voice in my head).
i’ve always had a lot of trouble with this, so much so that half the time when i end up obeying God, it’s not even on purpose, it’s more like i just happened to want the same thing He did but didn’t even ask Him for an opinion. a lot of times i can want a good thing so much that i just assume it’s what God wants.
so a couple weeks ago, as i was filling out my FLT application(something i’d been excited about since like september), i was freaking out thinking of all the reasons why i’m not good enough. and i was wondering if maybe that was God telling me i wasn’t ready yet. then these words, said to me when i first applied at camp, flashed in my mind:
satan is scared of you.
see, what she meant was that, in that case, satan didn’t want me to go to camp. he knew what great things God would use me for, and he was using whatever means he could to make sure that couldn’t happen. he wanted nothing more than for me to ignore the thing i was made to do.
i’m sure he has his different ways of scaring all of us. in my case, if you point out my weaknesses or my chances of failure, i panic. and sadly, most of the time i end up running away.
as i thought of that, i wondered, couldn’t God also use that to show me that something wasn’t His will? how can i tell satan messing with my head apart from God gently pointing out that i was going the wrong way?
and then i thought of 2 timothy 1:7. i realized, fear is never from God. yes, God does have ways of telling us when we’re hearing Him wrong, but fear isn’t one of them.
then i flashed back to last year at this time. remember the guatemala debacle? yeah, i’m not bitter…anyways. i am still confident that i did the right thing. if i had gone, i think i would have regretted it.
i won’t go into the whole story; ask me if you really want the details. i like telling it.
the difference in that situation, and others that i’ve run away from and regretted? i wasn’t scared. i was completely ready and willing and so excited. i had absolutely no reservations, and then one by one, doors started closing until i came to the conclusion that God was telling me to wait.
even though i was angry and disappointed and confused at Him for saying no, underneath all the other things i was feeling, i felt this overwhelming peace. just because you don’t like having to do it doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing the right thing.
peace is from God. fear is not.
so i realized that the only thing keeping me from applying was my fear of my being weak and inadequate and not good enough. when i turned my focus off of myself and onto what i thought God wanted, it was crystal clear that i needed to do it. so i did.(plus, if i have satan trying to get me to not to, then it’s probably because God has something really amazing in mind.)
last night i was laying in bed thinking about the next day (which is now of course today) and i was telling God how even though i was sure that i was doing the right thing,(and of course i do WANT to be an FLT, i was just really stressing about the steps to get to that point. it’s like wanting to go to oregon but not wanting to drive all that way. not that there’s much to see in oregon, but it was the first far away place i thought of) i was sick of being scared and i told God to please just grab hold of my stupid heart and flip it inside out; change my attitude and help me to trust that the interviews would go just the way He planned and to help me to be okay with however everything turned out.
He actually interrupted my prayer by knocking me in the head with this almost dizzying wave of peace. and paul knew what he was talking about when he said that the peace of God transcends all understanding. because i didn’t get it. i thought, wait, that was too easy, why am i suddenly not worrying? then i started laughing. yes, out loud, by myself and at myself. yes, at 1:30 am. i haven’t had many prayers answered so instantly. and when i realize awesome things, i laugh.
i kept on thinking and realized more and more about how God’s will works, and how it’s good for all involved if they just sit back and follow it, and next thing i knew it was 7 am and i was too excited to sleep anymore.
all morning long i was cruising along in this Jesus-filled crazy happy mood, and besides having a whole lot of fun with it and getting to know some people better, the more time went on the more i settled into resting in God.
i have no idea whether i’ll get in or not but i do know that God has this whole deal in His hands, and He knows exactly who He wants on res life next year, and as much as i want to be a part of it, i more want God’s plan to play out in the best way it can.
so if i’m one of them, i’ll run screaming down monticello rejoicing(calm down. you know i’m kidding), and if i’m not, i’ll be kind of disappointed, but at peace. i just want what God wants.
i love this. i’m betting i’m more content than any cucumber ever was. not that i ever understood the phrase “content as a cucumber” anyways.