[if you don’t know what any of this is referencing, it’s probably because you haven’t asked, and that’s okay because i don’t want anyone to ask. in a week, everyone will know. for now, in the nicest way possible, i’m begging everyone not to talk about it.]
i really don’t know what to say about any of this. all i’ve done since 9:19 am yesterday morning is either 1)cry, 2)yell at God, 3)try to stay away from all those involved so they won’t ask about it, or 4)cry some more. (just one more reason i keep trying to be by myself, because i never know when i might start crying again, and i hate crying in front of people unless i’m at camp)
there’s no situation that i don’t get a little bit of freedom from after writing about it. so i’m just gonna write.
i don’t WANT to try to pull a life lesson out of this, because i don’t WANT to be dealing with it. i just want to push it under the rug and forget about it. but i keep feeling like it has something to do with this little thing that i’ve been thinking about all semester. this thing of being good enough.
i hate the idea of being inadequate, weak, or just plain “not good enough”. i hate that i’m not good enough in school for my family to talk about me to everyone like they’re proud of me. i hate that i’m not good enough at soccer. and mostly for now, i hate that i’m not good enough for this other deal that’s had me in such a mess the past two days. i try. i try so much it’s painful to watch(so i’ve been told; once referring to dance, once about my grades at csu, and once about the nameless broom game. that last one i actually laughed at and still do[inside joke from the old days of youth group]). but most of the time that only frustrates me more, and makes me feel even more like i’m failing everybody.
as i’ve been reading more of captivating, i’ve been resting in the fact that God thinks i’m good enough, and i don’t have to do anything to be that, or even to stay that. He does not need me to fix anything. and i was so close to letting myself believe it. or at least act like i believe it(you know how some things make sense in your head, but they just don’t feel true? it’s like that. it’s up in my brain and just needs to sink down to my heart).
i’m working so hard to focus on that. and to remember that God has better things. things i’m perfectly good enough for and will be even happier with than i would have been if my other plans had happened.
but for now it just sucks. i can’t imagine something better than that. i don’t want to have to try to imagine something better. i hate that i’m so upset about what i expected to be fine with, and i hate that i was so shocked by it. i thought i was prepared and i thought i had accepted it, until it happened.
“you had hopes. you know you did.” yes. i did. but i didn’t know it until too late. my heart is stupid and unteachable.
anyways, while i was going on a walk to hide from more questions, i took out my ipod and told God to just please give me a song if He wouldn’t give me an explanation. so i scrolled through, felt like tenth avenue north, put their newest album on shuffle, and this song came up first. the water works started again at the third line. (i can’t have it. why can’t i stop wanting it?)
i’ve got voices in my head, and they are so strong, and i’m getting sick of this.
oh Lord, how long will i be haunted by the fear that i believe?
my hands like locks on cages, on these dreams i can’t set free.
but if i let these dreams die, if i lay down all my wounded pride
if i let these dreams die, will i find that letting go lets me come alive?
so empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with You.
so these voices speak instead, and what’s right is wrong, and i’m giving into it.
please Lord, how long will i be held captive by the lies that i believe?
my heart’s in constant chaos, and it keeps me so deceived.
but if i let these dreams die, if i could just lay down my dark desire,
if i let these dreams die, will i find you brought me back to life?
cuz my mind is like a building burning down, i need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
and my heart is just a prisoner of war, a slave to what it wants and to what i’m fighting for.
so won’t you empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you.
i need you my Lord, i need you, i need you now Lord…