rambles on ciu sports

not accidents. pleasant surprises.

somewhere, back in the deep dark depths of my brain, hanging out with my ability to focus for more than 30 seconds, is this little thing that knows how to be a goalie. i mean KNOWS. like it tells me right exactly where the ball is gonna go and knows how to get me there in time and everything.
and just like my concentration mechanism-ish-ness, this thing comes out now and then and does awesome things that i never knew i was capable of. but also like my focusing superpowers, it spends most of its time making a game of hiding from me, taunting me with the fact that i don’t know how to make it work all the time.
so every time i do something good(we’re talking about soccer now, not my common sense), everyone is all shocked. i try to hide the fact that i’m just as surprised as they are. then two minutes later i’m back to sucking. i think i’ve only made maybe three really good saves on purpose. the others(and i remember all of them, partly because there aren’t many, but mostly because i’m happy for like an hour after i make one) were accidents. i wish just as much as my team does that i could do that all the time. but that inner goalie is real shy i guess. i don’t know where the switch is to make it stay around all the time.
actually, i lied. i do know what it is: the “switch” is a pressureless, fun and games, nobody cares what i do, situation. get me in a game with my friends, and i’ll stop 9 out of every 10 balls that comes at me. everyone actually wants me there. i’m a hero with those guys. even when i do miss it, i can laugh it off and pop right back up for the next one. i just don’t care about anything. i’m happy and i’m having fun.
then you get me in practice, with everyone yelling at me, and i can’t do anything. (i’ve stopped counting the shots i miss because there’s exponentially more of them than there are saves; my orders are to focus on my victories and not acknowledge my faults) except when that good goalie in my head comes out for a split second. and for that little bit of time, nobody’s mad at me. i always wish i had time just to lay there in the dirt with the ball in my hands and cement it in my mind how much i love what i’m doing.
and i really do love it. no one believes me, but i love it. i don’t care that i suck, i just want to PLAY.

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