i don’t like pain.
not talking about physical pain. that makes me feel accomplished. the more battle wounds i’m sporting after soccer, the happier i am because it means i worked.
i’m not a big fan of the sick kind of pain, but i wait as long as possible and let it get real bad before i start reaching for the drugs.
i mean the kind of pain that life gives me. that kind is never okay. i run from it. i deny it. but mostly what i do is numb it.
i am a big advocate of keeping my mouth shut about things. if you don’t say it, it’s not real. there are a lot of things that exist only in my imagination that i don’t say out loud, so why not treat the real things, that i wish were only in my head, the same way?
and it works. nothing seems real that i don’t speak out loud.
today is march 9th. i have been waiting for this day since december. but i’ve known since february 22nd that this wouldn’t be the happy day i expected. and i did such a good job of convincing everyone else that i’m fine, that i believed my own lie.
and like albus dumbledore once said, numbing the pain will only make it feel worse when you must finally feel it. i used to read that line and ask, why do you ever HAVE to feel it? like a sore throat, you just keep popping pills, and even though it’s still real and present, you don’t feel it, and eventually it goes away without you ever having felt it. but i suppose dumbledore is smarter than me again.
writing it on a page is the same as speaking it out loud, and i don’t think i could make the words come out anyways, so this will have to count.
i’m not going to be an FLT. next year is now an uncertain, unexciting blur. and i don’t understand any of it. God was nice to me in keeping everyone from asking me about it two weeks ago, and i still don’t want to talk about it. but that comforting numbness i worked so hard for is wearing off.
i feel it today. and none of this is okay. i’m not okay, and i don’t understand what the point of any of this was. i knew, i knew, i KNEW that i wasn’t good enough, but i believed everybody else who said i’d be perfect, and i wanted it so bad that i thought God wanted it for me. and now i know that i should never have tried at all. why open the door that would just get slammed in my face eventually?
ok, i lied. i can’t let myself believe that God didn’t call me to apply. He didn’t want me to make it all the way, but He had a point and wanted me to go as far as i did. i meant what i said when i talked all about that peace after every step i went through. but that just makes it harder for me. i would rather this all be my fault. i wish that God had said NO don’t turn in that paper, NO don’t go through the interviews, and i’d gotten mine for doing it anyways. but since i know i was obeying, now i’m stuck admitting that all this is 1)not under my control and 2)beyond my understanding.
you know i don’t like that. i’m a control freak. i like having the ball in my court, doing things on my terms. and i HAVE to understand everything that happens to me(although i guess that falls into the category of being in control too). i don’t like being confused. i want to KNOW things.
the day i got the email, i left class to go to my happy place with God. i picked up my Bible, all the while screaming at God in my head until the only word i could think was WHY? and then i looked at the page, expecting it to have fallen open at psalms since that’s in the very middle, but i was at isaiah 55:9.
as the heavens are above the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.
a it made me mad at first. i had been hoping for a psalm to go with my pity party. but now i see it was the perfect answer to my question of why. who am i to demand an explanation? of course i don’t understand yet. and maybe i never will. but that’s okay. it’s just the way things are. i’m slowly, very slowly, accepting that.
s i’ve been writing, i’ve had the desert song in my head. i tweet the different verses a lot, whichever one fits how i feel that day. this is today.
this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain
there is a faith proved of more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flame.
i’m not sure at all of how i’m supposed to be refined here. but i should assume that this is like everything else; in a week or a month or someday, i’ll get it, and i’ll be back on here saying how glad i am that all this happened. but that doesn’t mean i’m happy about it now. but instead of yelling at God about it, i need to admit isaiah 55:9, and try not to forget my favorite line in the song:
ALL of my life, in EVERY season,
you are STILL God,
i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to WORSHIP.