once, i had this hermit crab. i loved him a whole lot, and then one day he wouldn’t move and i thought he was dead. i cry for like an hour and then i go in and look at him again and he’s suddenly okay. such a wasted freakout.
that’s a lot like how i feel about tonight.
i will laugh and be happy about this in the morning(which means i should probably sleep now and write tomorrow, but it wouldn’t have the same effect), but for now i’m just really really annoyed.
for those who don’t know, and left before the game ended b/c they all thought we lost(that made me sad. we still did our thank the fans deal even though we ‘lost’ but half of em had left us), we actually won. apparently the team we were originally supposed to play had to forfeit. but they really wanted to play us, since we’re now a legend in this tiny league, so they brought in the best players from the other teams, who were also wanting to play us, and together they killed us. only after this massacre during which a few of us had gotten a little, unhappy, and i had bawled like a baby in front of half the school, did coach tell us that this was technically a scrimmage and we were still on top of the league.
like i said. i will be happy. this is of course a very good thing.
now i’m gonna pull a pulp fiction(is it pulp fiction? it might be kill bill) and tell you the beginning.
remember how i’ve been dying to play more, whether i’d be good or not? well. taking wisdom from britney spears(there’s a sentence i never thought i’d say): be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it.
long story short, i really hate starting. but at least i can say i got to try it.
and when it ended and we were all sad and stuff, i marched myself right out on the field, and i made sure to be real nice when i had to say ‘good game’ to the one that played the dirtiest.
i am never ever ever giving up, not until we have a real team with cuts and i don’t make it.
meh. i don’t wanna talk about it. all you need to know is we tied 6-6.
but today? oh my gosh. SIX to freaking FOUR!!!! we may not be the best at those “one-touches” coach talks about, but we know how to make epic comebacks better than every cheesy sports movie i’ve ever seen.
and i got my 30 seconds of fame this time. it’s really all i ask for.
i’ve kind of made my peace with sitting on the bench. i get to say we won, without doing any work myself, i can’t make any mistakes from there, and the best part is getting to laugh with our “fans” more(when i’m in the goal i’m too focused and can’t hear them; like the commentator at north vs south[people said he was funny. but i never heard him once the whole game]). whether we win or lose, it’s worth it to be on the team just for them.
not to say that i’m not waiting all game long for coach to say my name. i’m just lighting a candle instead of cursing the darkness.(i can’t remember who said that, but for the record i didn’t come up with that on my own)
the team we played tonight had been number one in the league, but we just now kicked them off their thrones. if this does not prove we’re for real, i don’t know what does. =]
1. so all of us on the bench are standing up watching. we had all gotten so excited that we didn’t notice that we kept moving forward, until finally the ref blows the whistle, and says(in his amazing mexican accent) “excuse me? you all are subbing?” we look at each other, then we look down, and we realize we’re standing right on the line. =]
2. “bless us all this christmas…wait…”
only three more weeks of this…=/
i’ve always wanted to do big things for God. i never imagined i’d be one of those people who was just called to small things.(aside from the fact that i’d so much rather be a mom than have a real job)
in the fall when everyone is talking about their summers, there’s the people went to africa or someplace, the ones that worked at a camp or something similar, and then there’s the ones who just stayed home and worked or maybe took summer classes. i admire the ones in the first group and beg for stories for weeks, and i always feel sorry for the people in the last group. not in a condescending way or anything, like i think there’s something wrong with that or like i’m better than them because i’m in the second group. i just find myself thinking that i can’t imagine not doing something big with my summer.
but you know, the 3rd group people could have just as much of an impact for Christ as anything else.
i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. and i’m beginning to think that if God were to close the door on my plan A, i wouldn’t be miserable and depressed all summer long, even though it would be weird and i would miss everything and everyone associated with it(i can’t even write the word; i haven’t cried in a few days and like it that way). i could live with His plan B.
not that i know what that is or anything. i’m still clueless, and i’m hoping and praying that our plans are the same. i just wonder if i’m too comfortable with plan A. God has been bringing up the concept of “comfort zones” a lot too. and i don’t like the idea of leaving mine.
yesterday, just for fun, i was looking around online for mission trips that still have spaces open. and the more i thought of leaving hot showers, familiar food, and a comfy bed, the more i wished God would hurry and tell me whether i get to have my way this summer. (not that i feel too strongly that He’ll call me off to the jungle if He does say no to my plan) but that does worry me a bit that i like america so much. in a way i really want to get out of here for a while and see how the rest of the world lives, for that very reason, but in a bigger way i still hope God doesn’t have that in the cards for me.
i’m just very, very confused.
i don’t happen to find silence awkward. as much as i love to talk and love listening even more, i don’t mind occasional silence. it lets me think, and if i never got to think, i would never write. and all of you faithful readers(note the sarcasm)wouldn’t like that much.
however, i do love it if when i’m with my friends and there’s a silence, and someone asks to hear a camp story. i never run out of them, so i never have to think very hard to come up with one on the spot.
this is the one that just now came in my head.
one day me and lia were down at the lake running canoeing, and lia puts her feet just on top of the water, and we laugh at how much dirt comes off of them. i stick my feet out and try to do the same thing…but they don’t reach that far.
i have a whole genre of “laughs at the expense of linda’s small-ness”.
“i’ve got the peace that passes all understanding, down in my heart.”(that’s not how the verse goes. but that song makes me happy and it comes from the same verse, ya know.)
and i really can’t understand it, much less explain it. i guess it’s because i’m not supposed to. it just doesn’t work that way. i can have it, but i can’t know why.
i should be frustrated. i should be whining to everyone who will listen about how nothing is for sure anymore, how i have no idea what’s happening and need to know so i can pick a plan B.
well, i won’t say should. more like i would normally be. but, somehow i’m not.
God is so weird. but in the coolest way ever. i like Him a lot.
keep praying, but keep not asking. when everything is figured out, i’ll write all about it.
1. i was laying in bed last night and i couldn’t stop thinking about how bad i want to go to another country. guatemala has been the dream for awhile, but anywhere where it’s warm and i could hug orphans and play soccer all day would be fine with me. america’s killing itself anyways and half my friends will be missionaries far away in a couple years, so what’s the point of staying here?
ok. i’m half kidding. i hate bugs, i’m the pickiest eater you’ll ever meet, and they’d have to knock me out to get me on a plane. i could never survive for more than a few days. but i want a taste of another culture. i want to see God in a different way. and i want to serve other people for a while instead of being served.
just a thought.
2. i always like surprising myself, and being as accidentally random as i am, i do it a lot. but if you had told me a year ago that i would not only be on a soccer team, but begging people to play every chance i can, i would have sworn you were talking about someone else. i’ve never ever been a soccer fan. it’s the third worst sport ever besides tennis and golf. everyone who’s heard that i’m on a team now says something along the lines of “but don’t you hate soccer?” which is true, but i can’t hate things i’ve never tried. plus i like to do things that scare me; and doing things i suck at, with half of ciu watching, scares the crap out of me.
but everything changed. i’m not scared anymore. and while i’m still not that good, it’s just so much fun. (plus i’m getting better. which is even more fun.)
and none of that is the best part. i really just love being part of something. my team is like yet another family. and i love it, as much as i feel like the annoying little sister that wants to play with the big kids but only gets to watch. i have [almost] just as much fun sitting on[or pacing in front of] the bench encouraging everybody else. since it’s 6v6, i’m never by myself there anyways. it’s not like dance where i’m the only one on the side watching everyone do what i love.
lastly: my coach’s wife told me that my name in swahili means “protector”. even besides my being a goalie, that fits me so perfectly, and i laughed like i do when i have sudden realizations of great truth..(i like it better than the spanish definition)
3. the only thing i liked about ciu 101 was taking the strength finders quiz. i figured i knew myself well enough to figure out which ones i would have, but one did surprise me: what the heck is a developer, anyways? well, it turns out to be one of my favorite things in the world. it’s someone who sees other people’s strengths/talents/what have you, and helps them get better at them and figure out how to use them or what job to do so that they can utilize them best. and even though i had never thought of it, i really love to do that. i’m always pointing out things people are good at, i’m pretty good at guessing people’s majors, and i like imagining what kind of job somebody would be good at.
i wish i could sit in an office and write all day, while helping people figure out what they’re good at. actually i’d rather not have an office, unless it was outside or i got a different one every day. i get bored way too easily.
4. “i had hoped you’d see my face, and that you’d be reminded that, for me, it isn’t over. never mind, i’ll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best for you two. don’t forget me; i think i remember you saying, ‘sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.'”
“i won’t let you close enough to hurt me, i won’t ask you to just desert me. i can’t give you what you think you gave me; it’s time to say goodbye to turning tables.”
“as hard as you try, i will not be knocked down.”
“old friend, why are you so shy? ain’t like you to hold back or hide from life.”
“regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?”
“when will i see you again? you left with no goodbye; not a single word was said.”
5. this weather makes me think of summer, and that stresses me out. if you know anything about me, you know that i don’t stress easily, at all. i just go on with life. but not in this case. i’m not scared, and i’m not even sad[yet]. but i do get headaches when i think about it.
don’t ask. just pray.
1. i realize i’m way late on this, but i finally got around to checking out mumford and sons, and like most everybody else who’s listened to them, i’m now in love. it’s sad they only have one album, but i don’t think i’ll get tired of it very fast anyways.
2. i have MISSED frisbee. i love soccer, but i hate that it keeps me from getting to play.
3. i’ve turned keeping my fish alive into a competition. this sucker WILL survive until the end of the semester. (plus, i like him a lot. i’d rather him live a while anyways)
4. baseball season makes me SO excited. i really need to find people to play with.
5. there are 35 calendar days, 15 class days(for me at least; i don’t have any mondays), 34 class periods, and 15 chapels left in this semester. heck, in this year. i’m not sure how i feel about it yet, but for now i’m in a mood where i don’t want it to end. i’m sure when i wake up on tuesday i’ll be wanting it to be over again.
6. brooke fraser, jack johnson and joshua radin are the absolute most relaxing things to listen to. i’ve never not wanted to hear one of them.(with most music, even total favorites like dashboard or lifehouse or train, i have times when i absolutely don’t feel like listening to them)
7. i really love home sharing. i feel like a creeper, (especially when they don’t have a first and last name on their library, and i try to figure out who it is by the music in it)but if they wanted to hide their music, they could.
8. i calculated that, even though it’ll be a suicide mission, i can graduate in may 2013 like everyone else i graduated high school with. all i have to do is take 6 credits this summer, CLEP out of my humanities and social sciences credits, then take a winter course at some point. i didn’t even think it would be possible, so i’m pretty much jumping at the idea of tons of work for the next two years.
9. cady groves is amazing. go listen to her. right now.
10. i love my friends.
i’ve been craving more of God lately. i want to know what He wants and want what He wants.
usually when anything in my life becomes the least bit uncertain, i panic. if i do turn to God about it, it’s to complain. asking why He’s doing this and why i can’t have the answers yet, etc.
but i feel really different. it’s kind of scary.
i’m beyond excited right now that all my plans are so shaky. i want this giant “my way or the highway” sign to fall down and reveal a big billboard with His plan on it.
i;m sick of making my own plans and doing things my way, and being in God’s will by coincidence. i’m sick of fighting for control. i don’t even like the times when i feel like i AM in control anymore. i just want to sit back, and let God use me. wherever He chooses.
i’m not sad or angry or worried or scared. for once in my life, i LOVE that i don’t know what’s coming next.
i don’t trust myself to run my life. it’s so freeing to let God take it.
this song has been my prayer since the first time i heard it. i’ve wanted this feeling they’re talking about for so long. i think i have it, but it’s so unfamiliar and just weird that i’m not sure. but it sounds like this.
put away all i know for tonight, and maybe i just might learn to let it go.
see, usually i’m a concrete person. i like to know things for sure. and when i do, i hold onto it so hard that i can’t see what God has right in front of me.
take my security from me, and maybe finally i won’t have to know everything.
God did that. and it’s working. i don’t like needing to know everything. and now i hate the certainty i’ve been clinging onto for so long.
i am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where you are.
unknown. yep, that’s about right. i have no idea what this is that i’m feeling.
faith makes everybody scared, but it’s the unknown, the don’t know, that keeps me hanging onto You.
i do know that much: when i feel like my life is steady and in my hands, i don’t notice God as much. it’s these terrifying times of “where are we going, WAIT hold my hand i’m lost…” that get me desperately looking for God again.
but they’re wrong on one point: i’m not scared. but i know this is faith.
and peace. perfect peace.
pray for my summer. i don’t want the old plan anymore, unless God does turn out to have the same one. i have no idea what the answer to that will be, and i’m not afraid of it. i know He’ll take care of me.
coach’s idea of a motivational speech:[note to those who might not be aware, my coach is kenyan. so imagine the following said in the coolest accent ever]
“why are you afraid? they’re just people like us! they have two legs, two arms, just like us. if they had four legs you could be worried, but they’re just got what God gave them. stop being scared.”
well, it’s different…but it worked.
we did it.
i didn’t let anyone down this time.
and people who i didn’t even think knew that i existed were screaming my name.
i love my team, i love our fans, i love ciu, i love being a ram, and i LOVE soccer.
i can’t stop smiling.
anyone who’s seen me at camp knows that i don’t like to rest. i have to be doing something at all times. if they don’t schedule me a free time, i find one to help out with instead of taking a break. if they give me or my cit the option to have a break, i always let the other person take it.
this is not exclusive to camp.
when i danced, and i would have time between classes, i would always try to find a beginner class to help with. i love little kids and i love dance, and i love not having to sit still for an hour. a win-win-win deal. my favorite part was getting to stand in the wings at recitals and do the dance along with them so they could watch me if they forgot.
and my kids would stand outside my classes and watch me and tell me how good i did later. it always made up for how much i’d been told by everyone else that i sucked.
i think in a lot of ways, kids are better judges than we are. they think in simpler terms, they see the good things in people before the bad, and they’re brutally honest without even trying. they trust everyone. they never doubt people’s intentions.
why can’t we stay that way? why can’t we grow up, but still keep that innocent faith in people?