stories about camp · stories about life and God

His ways are higher…

i’ve been craving more of God lately. i want to know what He wants and want what He wants.
usually when anything in my life becomes the least bit uncertain, i panic. if i do turn to God about it, it’s to complain. asking why He’s doing this and why i can’t have the answers yet, etc.
but i feel really different. it’s kind of scary.
i’m beyond excited right now that all my plans are so shaky. i want this giant “my way or the highway” sign to fall down and reveal a big billboard with His plan on it.
i;m sick of making my own plans and doing things my way, and being in God’s will by coincidence. i’m sick of fighting for control. i don’t even like the times when i feel like i AM in control anymore. i just want to sit back, and let God use me. wherever He chooses.
i’m not sad or angry or worried or scared. for once in my life, i LOVE that i don’t know what’s coming next.
i don’t trust myself to run my life. it’s so freeing to let God take it.
this song has been my prayer since the first time i heard it. i’ve wanted this feeling they’re talking about for so long. i think i have it, but it’s so unfamiliar and just weird that i’m not sure. but it sounds like this. 
put away all i know for tonight, and maybe i just might learn to let it go.
see, usually i’m a concrete person. i like to know things for sure. and when i do, i hold onto it so hard that i can’t see what God has right in front of me.
take my security from me, and maybe finally i won’t have to know everything.
God did that. and it’s working. i don’t like needing to know everything. and now i hate the certainty i’ve been clinging onto for so long.
i am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where you are.
unknown. yep, that’s about right. i have no idea what this is that i’m feeling.
faith makes everybody scared, but it’s the unknown, the don’t know, that keeps me hanging onto You.
i do know that much: when i feel like my life is steady and in my hands, i don’t notice God as much. it’s these terrifying times of “where are we going, WAIT hold my hand i’m lost…” that get me desperately looking for God again.
but they’re wrong on one point: i’m not scared. but i know this is faith.
and peace. perfect peace.
pray for my summer. i don’t want the old plan anymore, unless God does turn out to have the same one. i have no idea what the answer to that will be, and i’m not afraid of it. i know He’ll take care of me.

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