rambles on ciu sports

8 and 9: hold onto that feeling.

(tradition requires us to listen to don’t stop believing when we drive down the boulevard after a game. and so my favorite line in the song seemed fitting for my last-post-of-the-season title.)
the blue part is about tonight’s game.
the red is about the season in general.
the green is my shout outs to any of our fans, and a few specific people.
so if you don’t want the full extent of my rambling, pick what you most wanted to hear about and read that color.
ps, whoever’s camera has the pictures we took between the two games, please facebook them!

people are raising their expectations, go on and feed em, this is your moment, no hesitations.
coach reminds us all the time that we would be unstoppable if we would jump right to being awesome and not wait until we needed to make an epic comeback. not that we don’t make them, but he would rather them not be necessary.
on the one night we needed it the most, plus the day we had more people who came out to see us than ever, we finally figured it out.
tonight was the best two games we’ve played all season. it’s like everyone just suddenly clicked and suddenly i understood everything coach has been telling us, because it was all happening. we were amazing.
and for the first time that i’ve ever admitted it, i was good. coach was right the whole time. we had this conversation one day in practice. he asks me(remember to imagine the accent)”why are you so afraid?” and i told him i had too many things to remember(sam had taught me a lot of new stuff that day that made sense in my head but i couldn’t do them yet). so he says, “do not think. do not be scared. you know how to play. so play!”
and so i played tonight. the good goalie deep in the back of my head never got scared away once. (i’m actually starting to wonder if that and me are the same thing)maybe there is something to this whole “just be confident” deal after all.
and when we won, and we did our thank-the-fans run for the last time, i considered it a little hug from God that i was able to do a cartwheel even with my finger.

for the first time in such a long, long time, i know i’ll be okay.
this whole season was just one big surprise. it’s kind of a funny story how i ended up deciding to play, but it also makes me sound really pathetic, so i’ll make you come ask about it instead. but anyways. i didn’t expect to like it much, or be good at it, or to learn much non-soccer-related from it. but i did. all three. God took my “i wanna be special, so i need to be part of something big” attitude and turned it into a “wow, i get to encourage people when i’m not playing and be a light to these crazy 30 year-olds while i am, thanks God” one pretty unexpectedly. i got so used to sitting on the bench and having fun there that i almost didn’t want to play tonight. (well, ok, that’s a lie. i wanted more than anything to play this time since it was my last chance, but being on the side in this game was more fun than being on the side in any other game)
i didn’t have a clue in the world what i was getting into. but honestly, it was exactly what i needed.
i’m okay again because of soccer. there’s a sentence i never thought i’d say.


i’m not in it to win it; i’m in it for you.
to our most wonderful, hilarious, ever-loyal and supportive fans who love us whether we win or lose: you’re the reason i wanted to play in the first place, and still my favorite thing about being a part of this. thank you for being so awesome every single week, for making me feel un-invisible, for so nicely ignoring my breakdown in game 5 and still telling me afterwards that i did great, for making such a big deal over the tiniest little good things i did, and for making it much more fun to spend 90% of the season on the bench.
to sam and justin: thank you. thank you. thank you. like 19 more times. you guys honestly taught me everything. sam, thanks for being the best superfan ever, and justin, thanks for teaching me that i’ve been playing for 25 years. ;]
to coach paul: you’ve done so much for all of us and i’m SO thankful that i got to have you as my coach. thank you so much for letting me play, always encouraging me, and reminding me to smile(haha).
 
it seems i’m getting closure somehow
a flicker of peace that i’ve finally found
thank you for believing in me now
cuz i do need it. 

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stories about camp

i am too young to be this old.

i’ve worked at camp for as long as some of my old heroes have, and i’m not even 20 yet.
i remember the night before i left for my first summer. i was 16 and innocent and mostly wanted to be an honorary camper. as in, hang out with all the old staffers that i loved, not have to be at home all summer, and while i had said since 8th grade that i wanted to be what my staffers were to me, i really had no idea how much that took.
a lot of crap went down that year. God taught me so much, and in such hard ways.
not that it wasn’t a great summer. and given the chance to go back, i wouldn’t do anything different. but i wish i had known how hard it would be. like a couple that has babies really early.
now, i’m at the front door of my fourth summer. and even though i know what i’m doing, i still feel so…small. i guess that’s the right word.
my first year, the fourth years were britnie reid, elizabeth teal, porter, and maybe a couple others that i can’t remember. i don’t feel half as experienced or look-up-able as they were. i can’t compare to them on any level. plus they were all at least 21.
so weird to think about. but the funny thing is, day 1’s bible study is about jeremiah 1:4-10. even though i haven’t looked over it half as carefully as i need to since i’ll be teaching it to the new staff in 5 days, i do know that that passage is all about God telling him that just because he’s young doesn’t mean that he isn’t called to great things.
i guess all this new responsibility is my great thing. and as unqualified as i feel, i’m holding tight to the fact that God thinks i can do it.

stories about school

time with God and a mental vacation.

i am shot. burnt out. beaten half to death with books.
i love learning but i hate the work that comes with it. i am not meant to study year round, and while i love camp, i am more looking forward to the three days i have between it and romans.
i plan on spending next weekend doing absolutely nothing aside from being completely silent and still.
and maybe running. really that’s all i want to do right now: run, run, run, until i feel like dying and i’ve forgotten everything, because i would SO much rather be physically exhausted than mentally.
just 9 days until i can breathe again.
“sorry i’m not much for conversation, i need some time with God and a mental vacation.”–tobymac

stories about memories

and down they forgot as up they grew…

beginning of the end is near, that’s why we all are here…
———
you know i won’t forget you
you know i never could
and when i said i loved you
you know i meant for good.
———
i’m not listening when you say goodbye.
———
…strike up the band and play our song, and try hard not to cry…
———
here’s to the nights we felt alive
here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
here’s to goodbye
tomorrow’s going to come too soon.
———
sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
———
i know you hate this one, but this is where the story ends.
———
tell me how to fill the space you left behind, and how to laugh instead of cry, and how to say goodbye.
———
i know i’ll see you again, whether far or soon
but i need you to know that i care
and i miss you.
———
don’t say anything tonight if you’re gonna say goodbye.
———
things are changing, it seems strange and i need to figure this out.
———
as long as we’ve got time, this ain’t goodbye.
———
just because everything’s changing doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before.
———
you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
———
and i won’t ever be the same with you gone.
———
…and fake a smile as we all say goodbye.

goodbye.

rambles on ciu sports

7: us.

(no, i am not posting regina spektor lyrics, even though i do like that song[but i liked her before i heard it, i was not one of those that watched 500 days of summer and then decided i was a fan].)
rabbit trail over. ANYWAYS.
8-6!!!!!!!!!
honestly, i don’t have much to say about the actual game. it wasn’t that exciting(we were never behind and there weren’t many fans, and both us and the other team just weren’t super energetic) but we did play well and as long as we won, it doesn’t matter. and holy CRAP paulina, FOUR goals. so proud. and jamee was on fire to where i didn’t even want to sub for her, because i knew we were better off this way(proved it when i let three goals past in five minutes…but we’re forgetting about that). but this particular game isn’t really where my mind is right now. i mostly can’t stop thinking about our team.
i love us. i love winning together and i love losing together(ok. i don’t love it. we’ll just say i don’t mind it too terribly.) as long as we’re “us”, everything is fine.
when we first started, i saw twelve really really awesome players(and one eager but absolutely crappy wannabe player[me! none of yall who may be reading this. calm down.]) as in, individually, everybody was great. at the beginning, in practices and even in our first games(that freezing cold, pouring rainy day at coker), we were still individuals. not that everyone wasn’t trying to work together. it just took a while to mesh.
tonight, i didn’t see those twelve. i saw one awesome team. while there were some great things that people did on their own, i mostly just saw a whole lot of unity.WE won that game. there wasn’t one person we could give the credit to. it was all of us. and we won it for God. my favorite thing about coach paul is how focused on Christ he is. and he makes sure we’re keeping our priorities straight too.
as we were all in our huddle afterwards, and coach was giving us our usual speech, i looked around the circle and it started really hitting me that we won’t be “us” for very long. sure, about half of us will play again next year, but some of us are leaving. there will never be the same us.(at this point, that and the fact that we just won were all combining and fixing to get me crying real bad, so i stopped thinking)
we have two more games to play together as us. and we are gonna win them, because we have to, because we want it more than any of the others, because we’ve earned it, and because we’ll never all be playing together again, and everyone loves happy endings.
i know i’m not qualified to say this since i’m so soccer retarded, but yall are the best. (yall look more like the guys on tv than all the other teams do) i may not believe in my goalie skills,(cuz that’s like believing in santa claus) but i believe in us. and we CAN do what we did tonight again.
i LOVE you guys and i can’t wait for us to win the league!

rambles on ciu sports

5 and 6: "what did you learn about God from that?"

[this has the potential to seriously frustrate anyone who is currently angry about the game. and i feel terrible for feeling so positive when everyone else thinks it sucks, i promise i’m not being that obnoxious fake sunshiny person. i mean all i’m saying; the annoying people are just desperate to put happy thoughts out. so you should read it anyways, because it might just cheer everybody up, and i just like to be read…haha.]

all i am is thankful.
anyone who knows anything about me will be shocked to hear this coming from me after we just had our first loss(es). but that’s just one more thing i’m thankful for.
i am thankful…
1. for our wonderful faithful fans who show up and scream their hearts out and make us laugh every week and love us whether we win or lose,
2. for codeine, and the doctor that so nicely offered it to me,
3. for my mom and the ghetto popsicle stick splint she brought me, which is much more comfortable and works better than the fancy shmancy metal one the doctors gave me(thanks to these last two things i haven’t said ‘ow’ in like 3 hours)
4. for my coach, and his awesome wife,
5. for my teammates, who play so great but still want me to play even though i’m not great, who ‘gossip’ ;] and who, i think even the other teams agree, are probably the most fun people to play with. they’re too nice to hate.
6. that i didn’t play today,
7. that i got to watch overtime from the line where you sub, so there were no tall people to try to see around,
8. that God is at work, and that He’s keeping me SO unexplainably happy right now.
really, i should be kicking things and screaming. but i’m not, and it’s not cuz i’m forcing myself to be positive(you know i HATE fakely happy people that say stupid things after games, i would never be one of those myself), it’s that i don’t even feel like it. and i don’t know why. i’m not happy that we lost. i guess i’m just happy that we played so well and there weren’t any calls or goals that i thought were unfair or really bad. it was just a really good game with two really good teams playing.
now back to the title question. last week justin was asking me about our last game(the awful one where i started), and he asked “so what did you learn about God?” and i was so caught off guard by this(i had just finished answering a list of rapid fire questions about what shots i blocked, why i missed the ones i missed, how i felt the whole game, what i learned about playing, other normal soccer related questions) that i couldn’t answer at the time. but for this week, i know what it was.
God needed to humble me. i kind of figured that out last week, but i didn’t realize he’d succeeded, until tonight. when coach warned me that i probably wouldn’t get to play tonight, i actually was able to honestly say i was fine. i’m not just on the team to be special anymore(though that’s still a plus). now i’m there to be whatever i’m needed to be(unless they need me on the field. i’ll never agree to that one), whether it’s in the goal, or on the bench encouraging people. i just love being part of this in any way.
(God is funny. and i think he has a lot of fun teaching me things because for me to learn, he has to get real creative.)
i can’t believe it’s almost over. and next year will be so different…but this year is what counts right now. i have one week left with these people and this coach, and i am gonna enjoy the heck out of it while it’s there and not think about endings or goodbyes.
and i refuse to cry on thursday.

stories about nothing and everything

people, painkillers and paa’s.

1. not that i’m not jumping off the walls ready to go back to camp, but i am NOT at all ready to go through the step of saying goodbye to everyone here first. especially the ones who aren’t coming back. i think, when i was a baby, my concept of object permanence didn’t totally come together. for those who aren’t psych majors and are laughing at how much of a nerd i am, that’s knowing that something still exists when it isn’t in your sight. like if you put a toy in front of a little enough baby, then take it and hold it behind your back, they don’t understand yet that it’s still there so they freak out. i’m like that with people. when i’m away from them, i either miss them all the time, or worse, forget what they mean to me. until we’re together again. but i kind of like it that way. i’m twice as happy to see them as i would be if i were normal.
i guess i’ll never run out of people to miss. i never have everyone i love in the same room.
dang, heaven’s gonna be the best.
well actually…i just thought of something else to write. but it doesn’t belong in this kind of post; it needs more than a little car in one of my trains of thought.
2. i don’t understand why these hard drugs the doctor gave me don’t make my stupid finger stop hurting. i’m a very small person, i should not need to take a double dose to make them work on me! not that i’ve tried that, we have a double header tonight and i can’t afford to risk pulling a heath ledger. but it’s tempting. for real. how can such a little tiny barely visible crack in one knuckle hurt this much?(funnily enough, it does not hurt when i have my goalie gloves on. it gives it the perfect amount of support. i’d rather wear them all day instead of the bulky metal splint they gave me, it’s doing more harm than good[it gets caught on things as i walk past, which pulls my finger around, which hurts like $#!+])
3. i totally forgot that hebrews and james were between the timothy’s and revelation. i had done a really sucky paa using only passages from 1 timothy, but james alone is a gold mine. this just got way easier.(i’m so ready to have my survey classes done with. i’m ready to get into the nitty gritty detailed stuff. like romans. ah maymester, or should i say hell week, i am ready for you.)

stories about life and God · stories about nothing and everything · stories about school

i am metaphor-less.

so i broke my finger. usually i’m proud of my soccer battle wounds, but this thing is so much worse than the sore muscles or giant bruises i usually walk away with, i haven’t laughed once at this. (okay, i did a little bit when the doctor showed me the x-ray. but that was just because i’d never gotten one before and it was really cool.)
i should be able to pull some life lesson out of this, something to do with such a small thing causing SO. MUCH. pain, or the fact that my broken index finger is taped to my perfectly fine middle finger so that it doesn’t get moved too much.
that last part is the one i really want to work with. but i can’t think of any positive things, only the verse about being unequally yoked(my working finger being held back by the bad one). i don’t think it totally works to compare it to discipleship; the new believer is not half that much of a hindrance to the older one. but it does work a little, since my bad finger can’t properly heal without being attached to the good one, and when the good one is free to move around, it makes the bad one move a little which hurts a lot. it’s not quite like when someone in the church has a problem and the rest of the church has to help them(or do they stone them? i can’t remember) either.
so. while i go find slightly more useful biblical principles so i can write my PAAs, if anyone thinks of a good comparison for this thing, shoot it my way. i’ll cite you and everything.

just a thought. · stories about school

that girl.

i say really often how i love it when i meet really quiet people who are good writers, because i can finally see how they think.
and i realized just now, maybe that’s what some people think of me.
anyone outside of ciu who knows me would laugh at that(i agree, the idea of my being described as ‘the quiet girl’ is pretty ridiculous), but when i force myself to see myself the way everyone here does, it makes sense.
i get told a lot, at least by people who actually know me, that i write just like i talk. i ramble, i insert southern-isms here and there, and i ‘talk loud’ when i get really excited. (i had an english teacher once that told me i had the most unique writer’s voice she had ever read. never found out if she meant it in a good way)
i guess it’s sad that some people don’t know what that means. but, i kind of like having one place where i’m not expected to be the loud one, the funny one, the one filling all the silences. i can listen all i want without anyone commenting on how i’m being quiet.
just a thought.

stories about nothing and everything

an extra long Jesus walk, sunday pie, postsecret, the best kind of soccer, coach’s house, midtown.

that’s my kind of sunday.
not that my normal ones aren’t okay, but i hate my house on sundays, i don’t like being away from ‘home’ all day, i don’t like missing beth, and i don’t like having to depend on somebody to get me back in time to beg around for a ride to my real church.
but i like today. God meant for sundays to be like today.
imagine all that written on a postcard, and you’d have what i’d send in if i had any creativity.