stories about camp

everything is okay.

i miss school. i miss my roommates, i miss my teachers, i miss learning, i miss homework, i miss running every day, i miss my room.
but i’m not there yet. i’m still at camp. and i’m happy about that, but i’m not used to missing anything there. no part of me ever looks forward to leaving. i’ve actually said things along the lines of “rrrrrr i miss jamie, can we just fast forward the rest of summer?” more than once. joking of course. i love camp. i want to be here. but it’ll be weird to not be totally broken when i have to leave again.
this is probably how most people feel about camp. maybe this is normal and healthy. and i’m not normal and healthy about many things…but i can get used to anything.
i’m realizing that it’s okay to feel okay about not being here every single second. if i go a day or two without thinking about it, it won’t mean that i love it any less. it just means i finally have other places that feel like home.
which is still weird. but it is okay.
i’ve been telling myself that a lot. or more like, God has been telling me that a lot. or trying. it took five wasted weeks for me to finally hear but…it’s okay.
it’s okay that i don’t have answers for everybody.
it’s okay that i’ve been here four years and have no desire to be a unit leader.
it’s okay that i’ve been here four years and don’t feel like i know anything more than i did when i was sixteen.
it’s okay that i get tired sometimes.
it’s okay if i ask for help now and then.
it’s okay that i can’t always give my campers everything they need.
it’s okay that my campers don’t always love me.
it’s okay if not everyone on staff loves me.
it’s okay if sometimes i actually want to be out of camp.
it’s even okay if sometimes i wonder why God has me here.
(now a lot of this, i only know in my head. most of them haven’t sunk down to my heart yet, but at least i know that God wants me to believe them)
but none of this is okay if i’m not focused on God through it all.
and i am. finally.
i still don’t understand so many things. i pray for answers every night until my head hurts. the only thing i’m sure of, is that i’m obeying and God is working. and if i focus on that, instead of the fact that i have no idea what’s going on, then i’m okay.

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