another year.

yes. i’m two weeks late on this. but see, i still haven’t had all of my classes yet(stupid general psych today), so it’s still kinda beginning for me.

i’m being organized. i’m writing more often and about normal things. you know how people write about their life instead of their random thoughts? well i’m bad at that, but i’m gonna try, so that maybe people will read my stuff for once.

i’m excited about this semester. the ciu bowl is still being played as north vs south, we have free laundry, i have the best roommates in the world, i have fun new freshmen friends, and i’m working. yay for money and constantly gross hands!

right now i don’t care about my classes. i really want to, but i don’t. the only thing i’m really motivated for is progress of redemption, and that’s only because it’s online so i can listen to all the lectures i want in a day and finish the class before midterms if i feel like it. and i do really really love Bible for teachers, i just don’t feel like doing all the work for it. i keep falling asleep in psalms, i don’t have enough work for issues in youth culture to keep me occupied, research statistics is hard math, and i haven’t been to gen. psych yet but i have a feeling it won’t be my favorite.

i changed my major; now people can actually guess right when they say “but i swore you were youth ministry!!” and it makes more sense for me than psych anyways, ever since realizing that my heart is too big to work with DSS kids.

well, i’m off to go pretend to listen to dr farra talk about stuff i already know. happy monday…and there are 118 days until Christmas, if anyone wondered. =]

if they could see me now…

my friends at camp don’t believe that i’m quiet, usually lonely, and mostly invisible, at school.

my friends at school don’t believe that i’m loud, happy, energetic, slightly obnoxious, undeservedly famous, and loved half to death by everyone who’s had a two minute conversation with me, at camp.

lots of times at camp i’ll find myself wondering what my other friends would think if they knew how i am at camp. i’m not sure if they’d wonder why i’m so different at school, or if they’d be thanking God that i keep myself shut up most of the time(because honestly, in any other context i think my camp self gets on the world’s nerves). i wish so often that they could see that side of me.

and at school, when i’m missing my camp friends, i imagine what they would say if they showed up one day and saw how i am outside of camp. some would be mad at anyone who doesn’t talk to me, some would get all worried and ask me endless questions about why in the world i’m like this, and every one of them would never stop talking about how much all these poor ciu people are missing out on by not knowing who i really am. but mostly they’d just be worried.

it’s funny. i don’t know why any of this is. i’m happy in both places. but they’re so different. i guess it just happened that way.

but i love my life. both ways. =]

missing, defined.

i miss you.

these are really heavy words, in my mind. they’re important. it bothers me that people use them so much, and expect them in return when they do say them. but the point of this post is not for me to get up on my soap box, don’t worry.

if i ever tell you i miss you, i always mean it honestly. i don’t say it otherwise. and when i do it means at least one of these things.

i mean that i notice your absence and would rather it not be there.

i mean that you cross my mind once or twice every day, real briefly or sometimes for a long time.

i mean that i wish i could see you or hug you or talk to you or something like that.

i mean that people keep saying things that you and i would have laughed at if we had been together at the time.

i mean that i wish i knew what was happening in your life but haven’t heard in a good while.

it’s possible, and very okay, to not miss someone. just because you don’t miss someone doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. for instance, i love my family but i don’t miss them. i love every one of my camp staff, from no matter how recently, but i don’t miss all of them. there are lots of people at school who i love but didn’t miss over the summer.

i can love people without missing them, but i never miss anyone unless i love them.

right now i miss camp more than anything. i don’t miss everything about it, or everyone there, but in general i miss it, and i do miss a lot of individual people. i can’t look at pictures. i definitely can’t watch the video. i haven’t cried since the sunday after we left, and i don’t think about it every second(only a couple times a day when something reminds me of it), or even wish it was still summer, but i do really, really, ache-inside miss it.

and i miss soccer. i miss my team. i miss the ones who graduated and won’t play this year. i miss my coach and his speeches. i miss his wife and her cheering us from the side. i miss our fans. i miss the extra inch of height that my cleats give me. i miss blasting ‘don’t stop believing’ after a win while we came down the boulevard. i miss lying in the grass with a ball in my arms and dirt on my face. i miss thanking our fans.

but the thing i love about missing people or things is that it reminds me how thankful i am to have them, and how happy i’ll be when i finally get them back. if i never missed anyone, i would never get to give out my signature tackle-hugs. and i would forget how much they meant to me.

so, i if i miss you: i love you. i’m praying for you. you’re important to me. and when i see you again, i will have this big happy freakout and everyone around will laugh at me but i won’t care. =]

i know i’ll see you again, whether far or soon; but i need you to know, that i care, and i miss you.