just a thought.

still.

i don’t like to stay in one place for very long.
if you’ve ever sat in a room with me, like with a bunch of people just talking, you’ve probably noticed i switch places so often that i sit in pretty much every possible spot in the room within an hour.
if you’re in any classes with me, you probably know i move around at my desk a lot(the only downer to sitting in the front row: i’m probably super distracting to everybody else)
and i love running, but i don’t like to run laps around anything. i don’t see the point. i’m not going anywhere. i think it tires me out faster because i’m so bored and all my head has to concentrate on is exhaustion. i can run for miles on the beach or in the woods without even thinking, because it’s taking me someplace.
i hate the idea of going nowhere. i love to go places. as long as i’m free to come back to where i started eventually.
that last condition is probably why i never get very far. i think i’m afraid i wouldn’t be able to find my way back.

stories about life and God

God and angry birds.

right now i’m stuck on level 5-1. if anyone knows how to win it, don’t tell me; i’m trying to beat it on my own for once. i usually end up consulting youtube walkthroughs.
i keep saying that they aren’t giving me enough birds, or the right birds(i mean seriously! i have two red birds, a yellow one, and the white one that drops bombs then disappears. i can NOT knock out this many boulders without some black birds!!!)
then i started to think and i realized we say that about God a lot.
not about him not giving us enough birds. but with other things.
think of something God asks you to do. unlike in angry birds, he may not immediately show you exactly what you need to do, but sometimes he will. like angry birds, he gives you tools. he won’t always show you how to use them. and most of the time, you probably feel like you don’t have quite what you need.
if i had just had THIS gift.
if THIS person were only here to help me.
i don’t have enough time. i don’t have enough money. i don’t have enough this and that, blah blah blah. we make all the excuses in the world and blame it all on God calling us to something we can’t do.
but if we set out and really try, we’ll see that he’s given us exactly what we needed to do it.
as i would always tell my campers when we did the Bible study about jeremiah a couple years ago, “why would God choose someone to do something for him if they couldn’t do it? he wants it to get done! that would be stupid, and God isn’t stupid.”
if only the same were true of angry birds; maybe someone else can beat this, but I sure can’t. =p

stories about nothing and everything

quotes i love and disagree with.

beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad, but it’s everything in between that makes it all worth living.
beginnings are not scary.
i LOVE beginnings. show me a beginning and i see a fresh new thing that i have not yet messed up or gotten bored with and soon will. but the challenge of seeing how much i can do with it before i mess it up makes me happy.
a room full of strangers(and i mean people who i don’t know AND don’t know each other; if everyone already knows each other i will not go in that room. i need to be needed) is my favorite thing. i’ll jump right in and everyone will love each other, or at least me, within an hour.
endings are sad. the in-between usually bores me more than anything.
just give me all the beginnings.

it’s never too late to be what you might have been.
this is absolute BS in every way.
of course it’s too late. people form their opinion about you, don’t want you, make their own friends and forget you, and would think you were crazy as all get out if you suddenly came up and tried to be yourself to them.
it’s not the end of the world; you just learn to keep yourself company and wait for summer. you accept that it’s too late and since you don’t die, it’s okay.

i thought there were more of these…but i’m not as argumentative as i thought. =]

stories about nothing and everything

a response to november 20th’s "favorites".

(if it was a bit difficult to guess, that was my favorite movie, friend, smell, thing to eat at camp, sound, tv show, year of my life, fruit, season, color, thing about breaks from school, thing about good days at school, way to get myself breathing when i have a bad day, teacher, movie soundtrack, way to spend a big number of hours, and place to be.)
drinking dr pepper through twizzlers is my current favorite thing to do on new year’s day. just 12 days until i’ve made it a whole year with no soda! easiest 15 pounds i ever lost.

stories about nothing and everything

christmas presents.

i have more christmas spirit than santa himself. i LOVE to give presents. gifts aren’t my receiving love language but it’s my number two for giving(words are the first, which is funny because that’s definitely not my receiving either).
i love picking out exactly what someone wants or making really personal things.
i hate giving gift cards unless someone specifically asks for one, just because i love giving special gifts, and a gift card is what you give to a cousin that you see once a year and hardly know.
i love trying to keep things secret(if you ever guess what i’m giving you, don’t let me know it, i get real sad), and i love love love wrapping them. i used to always know what everyone in my family is getting, because my mom puts off wrapping and i get impatient so i’d offer to do it for her.

matthew is like that too. though he’s still a huge fan of getting presents, he really thinks about what people will want. one year when he was four or five, my mom asked him what he wanted to give his sunday school teacher(we were those kids that always gave our teachers a gift), and he says “i think she’d like a watch. i noticed she never wears one.” i don’t think he ended up actually getting her one, but the idea was precious.
even if his present to me is something homemade that anyone else would think was tacky, i always like it because he gets so excited about whether i’ll like it and thinks really hard about what i’ll want. a couple years ago, since he knows i love cute socks, he got me a pair with christmas-y penguins on them, and the second i open them, he goes:
“PENGUIN SOCKS! do you like em? do you LOVE EM? i know you like socks and i knew you didn’t have any with penguins on them and i just knew you would really really want em! GIVE ME A HUG!”
he was a little more excited than i was, cuz let’s face it they’re just socks, but it really is the thought that counts. if i had gotten them from a random person i would probably think they were impersonal and cheap, but when little bitty six year old matthew thinks long and hard and is so happy to give them to me, i can’t help but love them.

i’m usually the first in my family to finish christmas shopping(because i start making a list around august), but thanks to school, i haven’t even started this year. i’ve been writing ideas in the sides of my notes when i’m in class, so as soon as i get home on december 16th, i am so ready.
yall. christmas is 17 days away!!!!!!

stories about school

i don’t understand.

i have always said that i would rather be funny than smart, and have fun than win.

but this isn’t any fun, and i’m not winning. all i do is try. but most of the time no one believes that. they tell me i’m not trying, i’m slacking off, i’m taking the easy way out, i’m lazy, i’m stupid, i’m ungrateful, and other unfair, ignorant, uncompassionate things.

i do nothing but try. there is no such thing as an easy way here; if i do my best it’s not good enough, and if i don’t then i hate myself for a week and then fail. and it wouldn’t be easy to have another semester of academic probation. i’m a lot of things but i’m not stupid. messed up, and not especially smart, but never stupid.

i don’t need anyone asking me why i can’t seem to do any work; i ask myself that enough times every single day. people make a lot of ADD jokes but they really don’t understand what it does to you. it’s not as funny when you have it. since everyone thinks it’s just a joke, they think you’re making excuses when you explain that it’s why everything is so hard for you. it’s usually nice getting to be different, but sometimes i get sick of being misunderstood.

i’m bad at school. i wasn’t made to learn. i don’t exactly hate learning, but i care about very little that school can teach me. i’m an experiential learner. even at camp i don’t like the parts of orientation where we’re sitting in the admin building hearing people talk. you learn what you really need to know in the first hour of your first day with campers. i want to learn by living and watching other people live and having God teach me. he has enough mercy to give me good grades on everything.

besides my Bible classes(and even then i wish i didn’t need to do all this homework or take these exams that i’ll fail and then forget a week later), i could learn everything else by living.

i know enough to get along in life. just drink plenty of water and always take a buddy.

but.

if i need to be in school, i wish it weren’t so bad for me. i don’t sleep enough, get enough hugs, spend enough time with God, or just plain BREATHE enough. it’s either, burn my brain out, be tired all the time, cry a lot, then get good grades, or rest, laugh, pray, write, and enjoy the little things that make me smile, then fail out. if God wants me here, how come everything hurts and everything is hard? why is everyone yelling at me? why don’t i know how to study, do good work, or in general make myself do anything worthwhile with my time? i know we aren’t supposed to do easy things for God, but come on. this has to be some kind of ridiculous. i shouldn’t be miserable ALL the time. i know paul had a real hard time, but his suffering was worth something and he KNEW it. he didn’t go around saying, aw crap they’re beating me again, why am i here? he was more along the lines of, heck to the YEAH i’m in prison, look what i’m doing for Jesus! but i don’t feel like or see that anything good is coming out of any of this.

is God’s power supposed to be made perfect in my Cs and Ds? 2 corinthians 12:9 talks about weakness, not failure.

in movies, when somebody goes to therapy and complains about everything that’s wrong with their life like i just did here, they ask what they should do about it. and the brilliant guy who went to school for 8 years so he could talk to people on a couch always answers “well what do you WANT to do?” like that would solve everything.

me? i want lots of things.
i want to write.
i want to play soccer.
i want to pray.
i want to laugh.
i want to have real conversations.
i want to eat all the bread and cheese i want without gaining any weight at all.
i want to watch the princess bride over and over again.
i want to make scrambled eggs.
i want to watch the sunrise.
i want to tweet something clever enough that @scenesfromahat would retweet it.
i want to read the Bible without it feeling like a chore.
i want to STOP crying.
i want to sleep without dreaming.
i want to enjoy movies; analyze them, criticize them, write about them, really WATCH them.
i want to understand and like myself again.
i want to see beth.
i want to go on a roller coaster.
i want to know that something i’m doing is in some small way making some kind of difference to someone.
that’s all i want. but what i have is a mountain of final projects, and a sinus infection. i’ll have to make do with those for now.

one day i’m gonna write something that everyone will read and be proud of me for. but until i have money and a place to go, i can’t do that; so school is once again my only option.

ah well. no matter how many times school tries to blow me off my feet, someone always comes along to get me back up.

even in the most worst of days, i will always laugh my face off at the misfortune of these sweet little ducks.

stories about school

running on empty.

i need about the same amount of sleep as a newborn baby. yes, about 16 hours. i would enjoy that.
when i don’t sleep for a long time, i get a headache first. then i stop getting hungry, so i forget to eat, which increases the headache and adds in dizziness and i start hot flashing like a 40 year old woman. then someone reminds me that i should eat, so i eat, but when i eat on sleep deprivation, i get dehydrated and sick.
normally the cycle stops pretty soon, because i usually get a chance to sleep by the next night or so. but i’ve been going like this since tuesday.
but on the happy side: i’ve had three amazing fun nights in a row(tell me when THAT happened since last september), and will have a fourth tomorrow, and i’m getting some of that coveted sleep in…now.
i’m thankful for grace. from God, from my teachers, and scott’s best friend’s dog whose name is grace.