i have always said that i would rather be funny than smart, and have fun than win.
but this isn’t any fun, and i’m not winning. all i do is try. but most of the time no one believes that. they tell me i’m not trying, i’m slacking off, i’m taking the easy way out, i’m lazy, i’m stupid, i’m ungrateful, and other unfair, ignorant, uncompassionate things.
i do nothing but try. there is no such thing as an easy way here; if i do my best it’s not good enough, and if i don’t then i hate myself for a week and then fail. and it wouldn’t be easy to have another semester of academic probation. i’m a lot of things but i’m not stupid. messed up, and not especially smart, but never stupid.
i don’t need anyone asking me why i can’t seem to do any work; i ask myself that enough times every single day. people make a lot of ADD jokes but they really don’t understand what it does to you. it’s not as funny when you have it. since everyone thinks it’s just a joke, they think you’re making excuses when you explain that it’s why everything is so hard for you. it’s usually nice getting to be different, but sometimes i get sick of being misunderstood.
i’m bad at school. i wasn’t made to learn. i don’t exactly hate learning, but i care about very little that school can teach me. i’m an experiential learner. even at camp i don’t like the parts of orientation where we’re sitting in the admin building hearing people talk. you learn what you really need to know in the first hour of your first day with campers. i want to learn by living and watching other people live and having God teach me. he has enough mercy to give me good grades on everything.
besides my Bible classes(and even then i wish i didn’t need to do all this homework or take these exams that i’ll fail and then forget a week later), i could learn everything else by living.
i know enough to get along in life. just drink plenty of water and always take a buddy.
if i need to be in school, i wish it weren’t so bad for me. i don’t sleep enough, get enough hugs, spend enough time with God, or just plain BREATHE enough. it’s either, burn my brain out, be tired all the time, cry a lot, then get good grades, or rest, laugh, pray, write, and enjoy the little things that make me smile, then fail out. if God wants me here, how come everything hurts and everything is hard? why is everyone yelling at me? why don’t i know how to study, do good work, or in general make myself do anything worthwhile with my time? i know we aren’t supposed to do easy things for God, but come on. this has to be some kind of ridiculous. i shouldn’t be miserable ALL the time. i know paul had a real hard time, but his suffering was worth something and he KNEW it. he didn’t go around saying, aw crap they’re beating me again, why am i here? he was more along the lines of, heck to the YEAH i’m in prison, look what i’m doing for Jesus! but i don’t feel like or see that anything good is coming out of any of this.
is God’s power supposed to be made perfect in my Cs and Ds? 2 corinthians 12:9 talks about weakness, not failure.
in movies, when somebody goes to therapy and complains about everything that’s wrong with their life like i just did here, they ask what they should do about it. and the brilliant guy who went to school for 8 years so he could talk to people on a couch always answers “well what do you WANT to do?” like that would solve everything.
me? i want lots of things.
i want to write.
i want to play soccer.
i want to pray.
i want to laugh.
i want to have real conversations.
i want to eat all the bread and cheese i want without gaining any weight at all.
i want to watch the princess bride over and over again.
i want to make scrambled eggs.
i want to watch the sunrise.
i want to tweet something clever enough that @scenesfromahat would retweet it.
i want to read the Bible without it feeling like a chore.
i want to STOP crying.
i want to sleep without dreaming.
i want to enjoy movies; analyze them, criticize them, write about them, really WATCH them.
i want to understand and like myself again.
i want to see beth.
i want to go on a roller coaster.
i want to know that something i’m doing is in some small way making some kind of difference to someone.
that’s all i want. but what i have is a mountain of final projects, and a sinus infection. i’ll have to make do with those for now.
one day i’m gonna write something that everyone will read and be proud of me for. but until i have money and a place to go, i can’t do that; so school is once again my only option.
ah well. no matter how many times school tries to blow me off my feet, someone always comes along to get me back up.
even in the most worst of days, i will always laugh my face off at the misfortune of these sweet little ducks.