stories about life and God

waiting for stuff to heal.

i don’t like to wait for anything. but i mostly hate waiting for pain to go away.
i have dislocated my thumb and broken my index finger at different times(both because of soccer), and neither of them healed right.
my thumb, i just twisted and snapped it around until it felt like it was kind of okay again, but it still hurts to this day if i move it certain directions. but the pain is mild enough that i can live with it.
with my finger, i went to the doctor and got an x-ray, made him give me the okay to keep playing soccer with it, kept the brace on it sometimes but a week before camp, i decided i wanted it to be better before summer started; so during my romans class every day i’d spend 4 hours bending it a little bit further and further until i could move it, but it hurt like crap. now unlike my thumb, my finger was BROKEN broken, not just dislocated broken. like you could see the crack in the knuckle and everything. second most excruciating pain i’ve ever been in. but i needed to climb the wall and hold my camper’s hands, so i fixed it myself. still hurts all the time.
then on new year’s eve, me and scott were out running, and he was annoying me so i tried to run around him, stepped off the sidewalk, fell and landed sideways on my ankle. i never went to the doctor but my mom said i tore a ligament. whatever happened, that was the first worst pain ever. and like my other sport-related injuries, i am fixing it on my own, getting it to where i can use it and while i notice the pain every second, it’s livable pain. it doesn’t wake me up at night anymore when i roll over, and i can stand on it without falling over, so it works.
when i’m sick, i pretend not to be. no matter how bad i feel i get up and go out someplace. it takes a lot for me to actually stay in bed like normal sick people; if i admit it, i am very very sick.
i do the same thing with real life pain too. i don’t want to wait for it to get better. i force it into my own version of “better”. it’s never as perfectly better as it could have been if i waited for God to work it out. i settle for livable pain instead of completely better. when i need to forgive someone, i rationalize what they did and act like i shouldn’t be, and am not, hurt by what they did, so that i can claim there’s “nothing to forgive”.
not the best habit. instead of settling for constant dull pain that doesn’t really bother me, i need to learn to wait.
just a thought.


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