parts of my whole story.

i never stay the same.

today in counseling youth and families, we talked about who we were from ages 10-14, and from 15-18. i didn’t even know where to start. ask me about one year of my life, and i can tell you all about it. ask me about the year after that and it’ll sound like i’m talking about a second person.
from 10-14, i went from happy, confident softball player to angry, self-loathing ballet dancer. i got a new brother in that time, we switched churches, other small changes like that. 10-11 were the same, and 12-14 were the same. but the two were really different from each other.
15-18 was like a bad-good-bad sandwich. for this one, dr olshine asked us to describe ourselves in one word. i said “popular”. for all the shocked looks i got(from the few in the class who know who i am, there are SO many random seniors that i’ve never seen before), i may as well have said i used to be black. but i really was. for different reasons at different times, i always had people flocking to me.
at 15 i was still dancing. inwardly, still hating myself, outwardly, i was everybody’s friend. but not for very good reasons; mostly because i really liked talking about people. that’s just what we did. we have an hour between classes, we sit in the dressing room and talk about everybody else. and everyone knew that they were all being talked about; if i ever left the room i could expect i was their new topic. but i didn’t have any problem with it. no one really did. we were a very dysfunctional family. we really did love each other even though we didn’t act much like it.
16-17 were the best years of my whole life. that summer we had moved, and i was all angry and depressed for leaving my “friends” and my “church”. a few weeks later, i walked into what i thought would be a typical stuck up youth group, and left feeling like i’d met a new family. beth said a couple months later that maybe God had always meant me to be there, and that’s why i fit in so quick and so easy. which is probably true, but at the same time, i was also just a really awesome person back then…as conceited as that is to say. but seriously. i loved everybody, so everybody loved me. i talked all the time but liked listening even better, i was nice to people, i made everyone laugh, i gave great hugs, and i was always happy. who doesn’t want to be around someone like that? being friends with me was like having your own personal sunshine.
but i can see why anyone who only knows my ciu self would laugh at the idea that i ever had tons of friends; i wouldn’t want to be friends with that girl either.

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