just a thought.

just kill the spider.

when i’m afraid of something, i pretend it isn’t there. ignore it. get someone else to fix it.
most recent example: the other day, jamie and alex were both in class and i was in our room. i saw a huge spider under jamie’s desk, make a big show of grabbing up anything i might need for the next few hours(my laptop, my kindle, my phone, my ID card, my head lamp, the works), run from the room and shut the door behind me. i camped out in the spare room until jamie got back and bravely stomped on it…only to find that it was made of plastic.(alex’s mom sent us care packages at halloween)
i’m fixing to be ridiculously vulnerable and open myself up to a world of slow-motion laughter; or maybe just pity. which i am not asking for cuz i hate it. though it’s definitely gonna come out that way.
i’m afraid to need things. anything, but especially people.
i’ve written about needing people before; i promise i’m not rehashing. this is a totally new, freshly incepted idea.
i don’t like depending on anything. i like to be in control. i don’t want to need people, so i act like i don’t. and apparently i have the world convinced pretty well. most people(who don’t know me) think i’m independent and confident and don’t need anyone ever.
unfortunately most people equate “don’t need” with “don’t want”.
but i definitely want people. as said before, i’m an off the charts extrovert; give me all the people all around me all the time. especially the kinds that like hugs. but even more than i want them, i need people even more. i turn inside out and don’t know what to do with myself when i don’t have them. if you’ve heard or read anything about my days at csu, you know what i mean.
i want them, i just don’t want to need them. i learned over the summer that it makes me feel inadequate. like i can’t help anyone else if i have problems myself.
today in counseling youth and families(i feel like i’ll be writing a lot about that class. i’ve only been to it twice and both times i’ve sat down to write the second i walk in my door) we talked about one thing we’d like to improve about ourselves. without thinking much, i said that i’d be more trusting, and i was surprised at myself. usually i pride myself on the fact that i make people work so hard to earn my trust(few people ever do). my rule used to be, you can trust people until they give you a reason not to. but after a few years of one person after another leaving me, blabbing to other people “for my own good”, or just plain not appreciating me, i reversed it. i don’t trust anyone until they give me a reason.
but if no one knows that i’m looking for a reason, no one is ever going to give me one.
i need to start letting myself need people. more like, stop making people believe that i don’t need them.
since this post has been sitting in my drafts for three days, i forget what else i had to say. but basically: i can’t pretend this “spider” isn’t there. i need to take a shoe to it. and the sooner the better.
just a thought.


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