he just might do it.
piggybacking off of my last post, a bit.
last year, around mid-april-ish, i was in a really bad anti-camp mood. as said before, sometimes i just have those. i was sick of it. i was sick of the pressure of being such a high-up veteran staffer, tired of the stupid drama, and just really wanted to give up. jump ship before it sank. not bother with it.
i got it into my head that camp was 1)too familiar for me to grow there anymore, i’m complacent and need to find a new place to serve, 2)no longer a sacrifice because it was so easy(therefore felt like i was there more for myself than for God), and the stupidest excuse of all, the one i regret the most? 3)not challenging in any way.
so i prayed for a long time. me and God got lost in the woods by the lake and just fought it out. i told him i did not want to go back to camp; he told me i had to. i told him the above three excuses. the worst mistake, even though it was already in my heart i still feel like if i hadn’t said the following straight to him, it would have been different: “you can’t do anything more with me there.”
oh man. was he ever out to prove me wrong.
i went back. and he started from day one with excuse#1.
camp is too familiar.
some of cindy’s first words to me when we were driving up were “we’re really changing things up this year.” starting with the fact that there were five returning staff and twenty-four new ones. that’s drastically different than other years, first because the fewest returners we had ever had was ten, and secondly because we NEVER have only twenty-seven staff all together. the least we ever had was thirty.
just about everything about camp was different. not only did i have to adjust to that myself, but i had twenty-three people who knew next to nothing about how anything at camp worked, that i had to help get used to everything. so us returners didn’t know what we were doing, but the new ones even more so.
which rolls right into God knocking out excuse#2.
camp isn’t any kind of a challenge; going back is like being a lazy Christian.
well. with all the changes, all the new people, and all the sudden responsibility, it was harder than ever. but then unexpected things just started happening. wednesday morning i woke up and for no reason at all i was just in the worst mood. i yelled at jenna. i felt exhausted the whole day, every little thing irritated me, but of course, i’m the little ray of sunshine who loves camp more than anybody; gotta keep all that inside and act like a good little staffer. which made me even more tired and irritated. by saturday night there was already drama going on between other staff, and i had cried myself to sleep the past three nights.
no challenge? this was orientation week. usually the best week of the summer. the campers hadn’t even come yet and already i was miserably tired and stressed. i was not seeing an easy summer ahead.
this is no sacrifice anymore.
well, first that’s a lame reason because God would rather us just do what he says, even if he happens to tell us to do something that we think is easy. he told me to go back to camp; if obeying is better than sacrifice, i could have joyfully followed such an easy order without having to go through all that. but i asked for something difficult and i got it.
every morning i had to get up and be there for my girls even though i was tired and lost and just felt like being in bed. (it wasn’t all misery, most weeks i still really loved them, something just felt constantly off) every friday i had to act sad as my girls left. i mean i loved them and was glad for the time i’d had with them, but i was just so drained that i was glad to not be their mom anymore. that seems to be how most people feel about their campers, so i shouldn’t have felt terrible about it, but i did because it just wasn’t like me.
i got through the summer. as dr cooper would say, i was surviving when i should have been thriving.
if you want the rest of that story, or anything about any of my summers, go to my other blog and read “the end” from august 6 and “jericho and ai” from september 29.
now after a semester of wrestling over it, i’m more excited than ever to go back. it’s okay that all the bad stuff happened, because i know for real sure that God doesn’t want me leaving camp anytime soon. i don’t know if it’ll be hard again, or if it’ll go back to being practically effortless, but one way or another i know God wants me back, and i want me back too. i know how to deal with what went wrong if they go wrong again. i have the same feeling like i did before 2010, that just unexplainable super amazing things are about to happen there. and i’m gonna be a part of it.