parts of my whole story.

sleep.

go on, go on, get out of my life, and let me sleep at night.
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as you sleep, and no one is listening, i will lift you off your feet, i’ll keep you from sinking. don’t you wake up yet, cuz soon i’ll be leaving you, but you won’t be leaving me.
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i know i’ll miss you, i’ll always miss you, i know i’ll see you in my sleep.
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lay back, lay back, go to sleep my man, wipe the blood from your face and your hands, forgive yourself if you think that you can, go to sleep, go to sleep my man.
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i can’t be losing sleep over this, no i can’t, and now i cannot stop pacing. give me a few hours, i’ll have this all sorted out, if my mind could just stop racing.
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i don’t need answers, i just need some peace, i just need someone who can help me get some sleep.
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sleep with all the lights on, you’re not so happy, you’re not secure.
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wasn’t it beautiful, running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?
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i picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, you can’t keep away.
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things i have loved, i’m allowed to keep, i’ll never know if i go to sleep.
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our dreams assured, and we all will sleep well.
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when your mind is a mess, so is mine, i can’t sleep, cuz it hurts when i think.
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who needs sleep when we’ve got love?
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we’ll sleep where we follow no where at all.
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you made it back to sleep again, wonder what you’re dreaming.
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annnnnnd so we come to the end of all the song lyrics with the word ”sleep” that i could think of.

i have never in my life not had trouble sleeping. when i was little, i would sneak books and a flashlight under my bed, and i’d stay up and read until susan came in to go to bed, at which point i would lay awake and listen to her radio(she always put it on for a while when she first started going to sleep). ps, yes i was VERY little, i haven’t shared a room with my sister in thirteen years.
i never thought it was fair when i got in trouble for reading in bed and got my books taken away. 1, i was reading, some people say that’s good for kids, and 2, it’s not like i would stay up late and then be all tired the next day; i had boundless energy. i didn’t need much sleep. it didn’t hurt anyone, and i wouldn’t have been sleeping whether i was reading or not so i may as well use the time for something more profitable than just lying in my bed thinking.
while i wait for the melatonin i just took to kick in(it was only after i took it that i read that it can give you crazy dreams–like i don’t have enough of those already?), here are some clever reasons why i can’t sleep, and don’t like to sleep.
1. i am afraid of the dark.
i’m not kidding. if you want to see me cry, cut the lights off when i’m not expecting it. seriously.
i can’t remember when or why that started, but i can’t remember a time when i didn’t mind the dark. when i first went to camp(edisto), my biggest fear was having to sleep in a cabin without a nightlight. so i practiced by sitting in my bathroom with the door shut and all the lights off, for a few minutes every day. and i was ten years old at this point. sad, sad, sad.
when my roommate freshman year moved out at the beginning of our second semester, i was happiest not because i would no longer have her and her drunk friends coming in to nurse their hangovers while i studied for finals, but because i could sleep with the lights on.(and when jamie and alex go places and i’m by myself, i still do that)
i should move to canada.
2. my mind has always moved fastest at night.
when i first had my books taken away from me, i started writing my own books in my head. i would lay in bed and tell myself a story, and imagine away until i finally fell asleep hours later. i made up a whole family of characters and every night i added onto their lives.
nowadays my mind just races in endless, multiple directions. most of the time i have bad headaches while i try to sleep, either trying to slow my thoughts down or follow a single path of them. it’s a very stressful thing to rein in.
but a lot of the times, i do my best thinking at night. most of my favorite posts here came to me during an episode of can’t-sleep-can’t-slow-down-can’t-stop-thinking-oh-gosh.
3. i hate to dream.
i have weird dreams. i have LOTS of bad dreams. and because of my ADD imagination, i always have really vivid dreams that i totally think are really happening. good dreams are really good and bum me out when i wake up, and bad dreams are horrible. everything is extremes. it’s really not fun.
this gives me a lot of trouble knowing what’s a dream and what’s not. when i wake up from them, i’m usually really scared and disoriented for a good five minutes, trying to tell if i’m still dreaming or if i’m awake and if any of it really happened. even if it’s a really good dream, like something i wish would happen in real life, it just freaks me out when i find out it’s not real.
i have a post sitting in my drafts about weird dreams. i should finish that.
4. the world just does not operate on the right schedule.
when i’m on a break from school, i sleep from 3-11. at 3 am, i’m just the right amount of tired, my brain is quieted down, and i fall asleep in less than 30 minutes without tossing and turning forever. then i wake up at 11 with no alarm and feel totally rested. i think that’s just how my body works. if all my classes started at noon, and finished at like 7 pm, then i had 7-3(when i’m at my most focused) to do homework, i’d probably be a 4.0 student. but 8:00 classes just don’t sit well with me. even 9:25’s are a challenge sometimes.
5. i can’t lay still.
again, this is the ADD talking. by the time i fix to fall asleep in one position, i’ve usually gotten bored before long, so i have to move. the rolling over wakes me up some, and then the vicious cycle just keeps on going.
6. i think the melatonin is working because right now i’m thinking slowly and getting impatient with myself, b/c i’m finding it very hard to finish this post so i can get in bed.

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