parts of my whole story. · stories about school

what dreams are made of.

i wish there was a whole course just about how dreams work. or what they show about your personality.

for instance. i have a few dreams that i’ve had on a pretty regular basis for as long as i can remember.
1. the one where i’m on a roller coaster or some kind of ride. maybe i just start the dream on it, or sometimes i actually realize that i’m getting on it. usually i’m having fun, but sometimes i didn’t want to be there in the first place. no matter how it starts, something goes wrong when we’re high up in the air(maybe the track breaks, or my seatbelt disappears, or the ride gets stuck and i for some reason start climbing on the track itself and get run over by the next train). sometimes there are other people on it with me, or sometimes the park is deserted(and in that case i realize in the middle that no one is there to stop the ride so i wriggle out of the seatbelt, jump off and either 1)wake up right before i splatter on the ground, or 2)whatever guy i’ve most recently thought about catches me). this is my most common and oldest recurring dream, the first time i remember having is when i was six and we had just gone to king’s dominion that day(that’s virginia’s version of carowinds, if anyone didn’t know).
2. then there’s the one where i’m in a big, complicated house(or another kind of building but usually a house), like with a lot of stairs and floors. there’s always more than one way to get anywhere, and ways to go in laps around it. in real life i love exploring houses i’ve never been in, so of course my dream self is going to town with all these hundreds of stairs and turns, but then one of two things happens. 1)i get lost in the house, and start panicking more and more until i’m just running around screaming until i wake up, or 2)someone starts chasing me. it can be anybody, sometimes it’ll be someone i normally like in real life but i’ll be scared of them for some reason(maybe it’ll be leighanne with glass stuck in her face, or jamie with a snake, or my mom with no hair, or a camper i have bad memories of) but usually it’ll be someone it would be normal to run from(like a clown or an army of mannequins). i run and run, and sometimes i’ll laugh because i know the house and the chasing person doesn’t, or sometimes i’ll get scared and forget how to get around. one way or another i get to screaming like in the other version. usually we get to one of those places where you can make a circle(like with two staircases going into one room) and i get caught going around it. i always wake up before it ends, except for one time when it transitioned into the next dream.

then i also have flashback dreams of bad things that have happened. as in, the exact events play out just like they did, i see and hear the same things and feel the same emotions. things such as,
-the night britnie left
-when beth left
-when my grandpa died
-the day i found out that the guy i was in love with from seventh through tenth grade was getting married
you get the point. i’m afraid of losing people.

and sometimes, i just dream about talking to people. i can never remember any details when i wake up, and nothing special happens. i just have a really good conversation with someone(usually someone i wish i talked to more; it’s rarely someone like scott or leighanne or someone else that i’m really close with in real life) and then i wake up and get sad because it wasn’t real.

it’s a symptom of ADD to have dreams where instead of being inside yourself(you know, seeing things from your point of view like you would in real life), you watch yourself and everything happening to you in the dream. that’s how almost all of my dreams are, and have been my whole life. sometimes, i’ll have a dream like that, within another dream where i “wake up” and am then inside myself so it feels real since i woke up. when i wake up in real life, i’m always either really scared or really angry, because the dream felt so real that i don’t know what’s going on now. i’m always inside myself for my worst dreams. as if the subject matter weren’t bad enough, you add in an extra bit of real-life-feel and you get what i call a nightmare squared.

ever since i started taking melatonin about two weeks ago, i’ve had even weirder dreams(it’s a common side effect), and since i’m sleeping more deeply and not waking up 3 times during the night, they last longer, and i’m always inside myself so they feel twice as real. i don’t like it.

so. what prompted this whole long thought process?
well. last night, i had a dream within a dream where i was outside myself, watching everything happen, and i can’t remember what it was about anymore but i know it was weird and i was thinking “this must be a dream. this is too weird.” then i “woke up”, in my bed at school, and now i was inside myself, so that plus waking up in my bed made me really legitly think i was awake. i went to check my mail(as if i would do that first thing in the morning?), and this guy who will remain nameless is down there and asks me to help him with something. he shows me how to pull the numbers off the mailboxes, and says we’re gonna switch them all around so no one will know where their box is. now despite how unlike real life this is(usually in any dream i have some point where i just kind of know that it’s a dream but keep going), i get all excited and we get to work, and once everything is mixed up, we turn around, and a whole stampede of students and two security guys are running our way yelling at us, and i freak out and tell him “we have to put everything back before they find us!!!!!!!” but he says no we worked too hard and how are we supposed to put alllll those numbers back because not even we know where they all go.
now everything gets crazy but i still think it’s real. i start crying and hitting him and telling him how stupid he is, then i run away. outside i run into someone who i try my best to avoid, and they start trying to get me to take these flyers for some stupid event they’re leading, so i hit that person too. i run up the steps and meet alex at the top, who is also handing out the same flyers. i get even more mad at her since she also doesn’t like that person, so i start yelling and smacking the crap out of her, i run back to our room and get in my bed, and then i wake up in real life.
what’s funny(as if the whole dream itself isn’t funny enough?) is that what woke me up was alex in real life sleepwalking down from her bed, and her and jamie loudly carrying on a conversation about whether she’s awake. when i’m half awake like this, and disoriented about reality, i get totally irrational thoughts in my head, and i just got so real-life angry at both of them, first because they woke me up, second because i had REALLY loved that dream(before i started yelling at everyone) and i hated finding out it wasn’t real, and third, mostly, because they were so LOUD and it was 4:08 and i wanted to freaking SLEEP. i start contemplating whether i should say mean things to them or just throw my teddy bear at them, and i got so annoyed with myself over the fact that they’re STILL talking and i am still not doing anything about it.
i fell asleep again while i was arguing with myself, and before jamie or alex went back to bed.
when i woke up for real, at 7ish, finally fully in tune with reality, i was talking to them about this, first confirming that i hadn’t dreamed the part about alex sleepwalking(i mean, my other dreams had felt so real, that part may well have not happened either). after i told them about how hilariously mad i had gotten, they asked what i had dreamed that i hadn’t wanted to be woken up from, and when i told them, alex pointed out “it seems like you’re always getting mad and hitting people in your dreams. i think you have a lot of pent up anger.” and jamie notes that i’m always running or getting chased by something.
that does make sense. i am very blunt in my dreams. i dream a lot about telling people things i don’t tell them in real life(for instance, that person i avoid, i would LOVE to yell at them and tell them a few thing…but that would be really really mean, so i don’t. and the mailbox-switching guy, i’d probably love it if i got the chance to do something borderline-crazy like that with him in real life[probably not screwing up the post office though…] he’s fun. plus it might put me on the map)
so, all this to say: if i look real carefully, i learn the following about myself.
1. i wish i were brave.
2. there are a lot of things i wish i could say to people, but hold back.
3. i run from confrontation.
4. i’m very confused about where i’m going. in life, but also literally, physically, in any new place i happen to encounter.
5. i’m hiding from a lot of things.
6. i am a very lonely person.
7. mannequins are evil.
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