when i have a whole lot of big thoughts in my head and don’t know how to get them to God, i write my prayers. writing is the easiest way for me to process things; sometimes i don’t even realize how i feel about something until i write about it. plus, it makes it easier for me not to forget what God does for me, because when i reread them years later, they’ve usually been answered.
i usually don’t ever let anyone read them, but i’m posting what i prayed last night because i don’t know how else to write about all this.
God, lots and lots of people that i care about are hurting right now, and thanks to that extra chunk of compassion you put in the spot where most people have courage or extra smartness, i’m hurting too.
sometimes i don’t mind that i feel people’s pain so much, but tonight is not one of those times.
i don’t have words in my head to tell you, so i just ask that you look at what i’m feeling in my heart and go by that.
i want to help everyone. but i don’t know what to do. or for some of them, i know what they need but i can’t be that. i feel helpless. and i feel super dumb for crying so much over something that’s totally not my problem. especially when everyone starts asking me what’s wrong. i’m like, don’t hug me, hug the person who really needs it.
but you know, i don’t want to not care. i may not know how to help but i can usually figure out what not to do based on how they feel; and if i couldn’t tell how they felt then i might become one of those annoying people who just rambles on about how everything’s gonna be okay.
still, i’m a very small girl to lug around such a big heart…so i need you to hold it for me for a while.
here’s what i need: i need you to give [i did write their exact names, but i’ll leave them out right here] exactly what they need to be comforted, because i don’t know what that is but i know you do. you don’t necessarily have to make their problems go away, though i’m sure they’d appreciate that, but if you could give them some peace, that would probably be enough for them. i’d like some of that too. let me let them go and leave them with you, and not feel so bad about not knowing what to do for them.
i still didn’t feel much better. so i ran two miles, went out to one of my God places, laid in the wet grass and cried some more. see, when i’m really upset the only way to distract myself is to run until i’m too overwhelmed with pure exhaustion that i can’t think anymore. and when i need to be with God, i never feel close to him unless i’m outside. and, when i miss people, i like to be where i can see as much of the sky as possible. i know it’s the cheesiest thing in the world, but it really does make me miss them less when i think of how we’re under the same moon. well, except for jessie bailey who at that time would be under the sun…but it’s the same sky. =]
i’m rarely not thinking, but i really couldn’t right then. there were pictures in my head, but no words and no music. i just laid there and looked at the sky while my brain was silent for what i later added up was about twenty minutes.
and suddenly everything was okay.
yesterday i read in one of my books for my class on the gospel of mark that because God is the perfect comforter, he comforts each of us differently; he knows exactly how we need to be comforted at that moment.
when i go to people for comfort, i need one of three things. sometimes i need them to talk to me, sometimes i need them to listen, and then in some rare times, i just need them to sit with me and let us both be silent(but they do need to be hugging me). so last night when not even i knew how i felt or what i needed, God knew i needed the silence. and even though i was far away from any people, i didn’t feel the slightest bit alone.
this morning when i got up i still felt sad, but at the same time, i was okay. God is taking care of everyone.
it helped too that i had this song in my head.
where do i begin with what to say? i’ve played this conversation in my head so many times.
i’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what i do could save your life.
i know, i know, that God is able, i know, i know that he still reigns
i know, i know, that love has found a way.
no matter what it is you’re going through, even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see
i know there is a hand that’s reaching out to you, because he did the same for me.
it wasn’t that long ago that my own world fell apart
and everything inside me told me to let go
i found myself crying out to the one who knows my heart
and holding tight to the few things that i know.