stories about life and God

come right out and say it.

the other day, i had a very uncomfortably funny conversation with God and realized i’ve been being super dumb.
i said “God, we haven’t talked in a long time and i don’t really know why.”
he says “because you’re hiding.”
and i say “oh. i guess that’s true…do you know why that is?”
i waited, and his reply shocked me:
“do you?”
small side note: God is a lot like dr gentry…you ask him a question, he responds with a question. they want you to think of the answer on your own. since they care about you and they’re on your side, they’ll help you get there(usually by asking you more questions), but they very rarely straight up give you the answer; in gentry’s case, that never happens.
that shut me up good because i would never make up God asking me a question; if i ever trick myself into thinking he said something, it’s always what i want to hear. so this for sure was not the other side of my head talking.
i thought for a minute and decided it’s because sometimes i don’t like admitting how i’m feeling about him. 
if i’m mad at, sad with, scared of, or confused about God, i don’t talk to him. i don’t know what else to say, and i don’t want to tell him that i’m not his biggest fan at the moment. but he never answers if i say what i don’t mean. i try to make conversation about my day or thank him for some random things, but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing anything.
disclaimer: i’m not saying he isn’t hearing them. he is. he just doesn’t humor my awkward small talk. see, i think God relates to us in the way he knows we’ll understand best. he’s the perfect friend. for instance, i have a friend who told me once that God is sarcastic with her. i laughed at that at first, trying to imagine that, but then i laughed even harder(you know how i laugh when really cool things click in my head) when i realized that’s exactly what she needs(sarcasm is her love language, her mother tongue, all those things. she’s hilarious and i miss her). in my case, he knows i need patient people who, when i have something serious to talk about, let me get to the point when i’m good and ready to; if he asked me questions and tried to pull it out of me, he knows he’d scare me off and i’d end the conversation right there. so he just waits(and it’s great for me because he has all of eternity to listen to me, so he never rushes me), and when i finally let him hear what i really want to say, he’ll let me hear what he really wants to say.
i always feel like i need to calm down, count to ten(usually not seconds, more like days or weeks) and make sure i’m good and composed or i understand the situation, and THEN i tell God what’s up.
why? that’s dumb. whether i say it or not doesn’t change the fact that i’m feeling it. he KNOWS. so i may as well just say it.
and the best thing about it? since he knows what i’ve been thinking and feeling, and he understands my mind and heart better than i do, it’s okay if i yell, or cry, or just ramble and trip over my words and get frustrated with myself for not getting the words out right. this isn’t like an email to a professor(although, ask my teachers, they probably get some good laughs out of the dissertations i write asking a simple question) where i need to sound cool and collected and make my words make sense. he knows what i mean whether it comes out that way or not, so he never interrupts or asks me to clarify anything, because he already gets it. that never stops me from explaining each little thought and dissecting my sentences for him…but i don’t think he minds that. i’m actually pretty sure he gave me my frenzied, overanalytical brain purely for his own entertainment. which is all the more reason to really pray, because i’m sure he really enjoys hearing my thoughts(addressed to him, not just when he’s listening in as i think them to myself).
i’m figuring out that God doesn’t get mad at anyone for being mad at him. or questioning stuff he does. i mean look at the psalms. if God didn’t approve of us honestly expressing our deep hurts, or our hate for our enemies, or even our anger or impatience with himself, i don’t think many of the psalms would have made it into the bible.
so it’s probably much better and safer to vent them to God anyways. he won’t repeat it and he won’t take it wrong(since like i said before, he understands you before you even start trying to explain yourself).

well, the moral of this very long story: don’t bother beating around the bush with God. just tell him like it is. not saying what you feel doesn’t change how you feel. and saying it makes it start to get better, plus he’s much more likely to really answer when you really talk. and that’s the best part.


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