when i’m mad at someone, i rarely see reason to talk about it.
and when someone else is mad at me, i see no reason for them to yell at me. i wish they would do what i do.
these are my personal 10 steps to fixing conflict. and when people are calm and understanding and just let me do them, they are much more effective than having some formal sit-down about it.
so when someone does something bad to me…
1. i tell that person “i love you. but i’m very VERY angry with you right now. so because i love you and don’t want to say hurtful things to you that i don’t mean but am feeling right now, i can’t be around you for a little bit.”
2. that person says “okay. i love you too. sorry.”
3. i leave and go someplace by myself.
4. i make a list of why i am mad at them.
5. i make a list of the things i’d like to say to them. most of them, as mentioned above, are hurtful and unfair, and i don’t ACTUALLY mean them, i just feel like i mean them right now because i’m mad and i’m being unreasonable.
6. i make a list of why those things don’t need to be said.
7. i make a list of why i love that person.
8. i decide that the things on list#3 are much more important than the things on the other two.
9. i do something totally unrelated. i run, i read something, i listen to ingrid michaelson, i find someone and make them laugh. something like that.
10. i go to the person i’m mad at and give them a hug.
and life goes back to normal. no talking was necessary. but if the person does insist on sitting down and hashing it out, it goes much better because i’m not bothered anymore.
it is not a big deal when people tick each other off, it’s just normal human relating. so don’t analyze it, because you will make it bigger than it needs to be and probably just hurt each other more. somewhere in there, someone almost always says something dumb that they don’t mean. and whether you meant it or not, it hurts the person you said it to.
so calm down, take a break, get away for a while. there’s no need to snap at anyone.
just a thought.