stories about school

the finish line.

i know we can totally see the end of the semester. but just like when i’m trying to run four miles and i’m halfway through my third, i feel like that last little push will be the death of me.
(unlike when i’m running, i won’t actually give up. but i do want to)
i love learning. i really do.
but i hate school.
i hate deadlines. i hate schedules. i hate big projects that kill my grade and make me look like i haven’t learned.
i hate that everything is so hard for me. i don’t want it to be easy, and if everyone struggled this much i wouldn’t mind. but i don’t see anyone else crying in the middle of the library.
i hate needing this much help. since this is CIU, and our teachers are too ridiculously amazing to be true, they’ll give it to me, but i still hate it. i know they aren’t going easy on me, they’re just patient and showing me grace, but no one else does; they think i’m “taking the easy way out.”
i hate assignments that are basically busywork. for instance, right now i’m trying to do my final project for my gospel of Mark class. and i would love doing the work if i didn’t have to BS so much. i’ve learned a lot of good stuff from my research, but to fill all the requirements in each step, i’m having to add all kinds of fluff to where you can’t really tell that i know what i’m talking about.(i’m big on spirit of the law over letter of the law; if i show that i’ve learned what i’m supposed to learn, i think that should get me a good grade)
i hate when no one, besides my teachers, understands or has any sympathy.
i hate how grades are all that people care about. i’m proud of my D in philosophy; i know i’ve done the best i can, and i’ve learned a ton and enjoyed the class, so that’s fine with me. but it’s hard to keep feeling like that when everyone else talks like a B+ is a tragedy.
i hate that you need a 4.0 to be considered a “good student.” i think the fact that i’m in school because i really want to learn, the fact that i don’t want to pass if i didn’t work hard or learn anything, makes me a good student.
i just want one time to get an A in something i worked hard at and learned from and would use in life. the four A’s i’ve gotten in my five semesters have all been in goof-off classes that i didn’t need to work for(freshman seminar at CSU, ics, ciu 101 and issues in youth culture).
and i guess this long list proves that i also hate that i need other people to agree with me. really, if i didn’t care what people thought, none of this would matter. I know i’m not lazy. I know i’m doing my best. I know i’ve learned more this semester(class-wise) than in any other. but because other people keep trying to make me feel stupid for needing to spend more hours studying than they do, for having way lower grades than them despite all that work, all that accomplishment i had felt gets shot.
study break over. back to staring at my Mark passage and praying that seven more observations come to me(again, i hate this. the thirteen i have are fine! i understand enough to do the rest of the project, yet i’m gonna lose points for not exactly following the directions)

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