yesterday was both the worst day i’ve had in a long time, and the best day i’ve had in an even longer time.
it was the worst because it was a culmination of all the stress and lack of sleep i’ve dealt with all week.
it was the worst because it finally officially hit me that i’m about to be apart from one of my best friends for two whole years.
it was the worst because my original fall break plans suddenly fell apart.
it was the best because i got to run in the beautiful weather.
it was the best because i got some quality time with some of the most fun people i know, who could cheer me up after even the most miserably awful day.
and it was the best because God swooped in to save the day and gave me a whole new better plan for my break.
last night i was talking to my RA, and she read me the page from Jesus Calling for yesterday. and it was so exactly what i needed to hear. this is the part of it that i like.
Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential. Receive My blessings with open hands. Enjoy My good gifts, but do not cling to them. Turn your attention to the Giver of all good things, and rest in the knowledge that you are complete in Me. The one thing you absolutely need is the one thing you can never lose: My Presence with you.
i’ve written so many countless posts about missing people. thinking out loud about how easily i miss, how i hate missing, how i wish i didn’t have to miss, whether it’s even possible to not miss people.
so i was crying to God earlier, and i asked him “WHY do i have to miss people so much? nobody else has this much of a problem with it. they go on with life. why does having my friends far away screw me up so much?”
that was a rhetorical question; i didn’t even think an answer existed. so God caught me off guard when he said “because you love them that much.”
i thought a second and said “well, does that mean the only way to miss someone less is to love them less?”
as i expected, he didn’t say anything. i’ve said before, when i ask a question i know the answer to, he doesn’t humor me with an answer.
i kept thinking.
i love loving people. but i hate missing them. if i have to choose between loving someone then feeling like crap when they leave, and living in total indifference to them then being just fine when they leave, i’d take the first. but i’ve always wished there were an alternative to that rock|me|hard place situation.
then cara read me that. —-^^^ and i figured out the answer God wanted me to have.
receive my blessings with open hands. every single wonderful person that he’s put in my life is a good thing. i’m supposed to love them; he didn’t give me this stupid giant heart to keep locked away in my head, he gave it to me so i could pour it out on other people. he doesn’t want me to hold it back, bracing myself for the moment they leave.
what i need to understand, is that not one of them is essential. yes, i need them, but only because at that time God is choosing to fill certain needs through those people. once they’re gone, it doesn’t mean i have to suffer. it just means God will provide for me in some other way.
The one thing you absolutely need is the one thing you can never lose: My Presence with you. 90% of people in my life will eventually have to leave it. but God is the only one i actually need to not leave, and the only one who never will.
so that’s the missing piece. the key to getting close to people without having to hurt when you lose them. enjoy them. thank God for them. but remember that it’s God, not them, who is filling up the holes in your life.