insomniac ramblings.

1. WHY?
i feel better about all my various conditions after reading everything i can about them. being able to understand things comforts me.

but my insomnia does NOT make sense and i’m ill about it. there is NO reason for it. not that it ever has much of an excuse, but especially not now.

i’m not stressed or anxious about anything; my workload is so hilariously small, it’s almost like i’m not in school.
i’m not depressed right now, i’ve been happy since saturday. and even in the weeks before that, i slept fine.
i haven’t been through any recent trauma. i mean, earlier i couldn’t find my favorite highlighter, but it showed up and i got over it pretty fast.
i haven’t had caffeine since the day before cross country started(and when i do have it, it helps me sleep; one of the many joys of ADD).
i. don’t. get. it.

2. ain’t nobody got time for that…
in a perfect world, i’d just live with it and sleep whenever i can. if it’s 4pm and i’m actually tired, i’ll take a nap even though i’ll ideally be going back to bed in six hours. if i can’t fall asleep until 5am, i sleep in til 11 or 12.
but my semester doesn’t really allow for that. if i can’t sleep on a tuesday or thursday night, and my brain decides at 11 am the next day that it finally wants to catch up, no luck; i’ve got five places to be from 11:30 to 6:30 and no breaks in between.

3. it’s lonely.
i don’t like being the only one awake. any unpleasant thing isn’t so bad when there are people to talk to during it, but that doesn’t work here.
i can’t think by myself. even if the people around me are quiet, just having another presence in the room keeps me focused. so i can’t even put my being awake to good use. it doesn’t stop me trying though.

4. i lose the point.
the same cycle repeats itself for hours on end. make scrambled eggs, feel sleep coming on, get back in bed, jump back awake just as i’m almost asleep, read awhile, repeat steps 2 through 4, watch tv for a spell, repeat steps 2 through 4…i get sick of trying after a while and end up just staying up for the whole night.
i haven’t yet done that on a school night and don’t plan to, plus i can’t think of a better ending to this somewhat pointless post…so i’m doing my usual plan B, which is to lay in bed and do nothing until one of two things happens:
A. i miraculously fall asleep, or
B. the clock strikes a decent time to be “awake.”


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