yesterday, i was thinking about how i’ve been much less bothered than i expected to be about all the time i’ve spent by myself the past few weeks.
and i said to God, “thanks for finally making me slightly more introverted. i’ve only been asking for years.”
“do you really think that’s what i did?”
it was one of those times where i hadn’t expected him to answer. more like, i hadn’t needed an answer, so i didn’t purposely listen for one, making it a surprise when he gave me one.
so i thought for a minute.
i thought back to saturday, when i’d been thinking about how happy i was after spending the whole day around people, but realized i hadn’t been overly lonely all the times i’d been alone the week before. i wondered if i was possibly growing that introverted side i’ve always wanted, but didn’t give much thought to it.
now i gave it some more. and i decided that it isn’t that i haven’t wanted to be around people; there hasn’t ever been a time where i was in a crowd and i felt like being by myself.
so i said, “no, that isn’t it. but you did something. why’s it different?”
“because you like being with me.”
[said like lucy in a charlie brown christmas]
i talk to God more when i’m alone, but i don’t even really feel alone much anymore.
before, if i was by myself, i’d talk to him because i was lonely. he was just a comfort source. he would make me feel less emotionally alone, but i was still fully aware of my physical alone-ness and still didn’t like it.
then, so gradually that i didn’t even realize it, i started talking to him more and more. when i’m walking up the hill to class or work, instead of excitedly thinking to myself about who i’m going to see when i get where i’m going, i’m continuing me and God’s conversation. not that he couldn’t hear my thoughts before, but it’s different when i’m consciously letting him in on them.
i’m so much more aware of his constant presence that i forget to be lonely. i’m still happiest around people, and i do still have a God-given physical and mental need for human interaction in order to function best. the giant E in my ESFP was on purpose, after all. but when i have to be by myself, i don’t feel empty. i feel complete and content. and when i’m with people, i’m even happier now, because God is still with me then.
God isn’t in a box anymore. he doesn’t sit on the shelf next to my Bible, waiting for me to pull him out and spend time with him. i just do life with him.