parts of my whole story.

my safe place.

i didn’t get to sleep much last week, but i slept a lot this past weekend. which doesn’t make much sense because this weekend i was sleeping in a tent, in the cold mountains, with the threat of bears attacking me at any minute.
somehow, even after twenty total hours of sleep, i came home more tired than i’d been all week.
then last night recharged me more than any amount of sleep could.

i need people. being alone exhausts me and stresses me out.
but you can’t just plop me down in a crowd and expect that to do the trick. i can’t just be around people; i need to be with people.
if i’m sitting in a circle with ten people and no one is acknowledging my presence in any way(no one’s looking at me, someone talks over me every time i start to say something, etc), that’s just being around people. it’s just as damaging as being alone, because it’s essentially the same as being alone.
if people are trying to force me into whatever mold they want me to fit in, without even trying to first find out where i actually fit, i’d rather be alone.

but when i’m around safe people, it’s like my heart lets out a deep breath, then curls up and takes a nap. safe people are where i can rest.
so i guess i’m a picky extravert; i don’t just need company to recharge. i need people like my teammates.
i realized today that they’re becoming the safest people i know.
when i’m with them, i feel at home in myself. i don’t have to think about how to be.
they like it when i talk, but they still love me when i just want to listen.
they’re happy when i get to run, but they never make me feel guilty or lazy when i can’t.
whether i have to stand out and cheer for the rest of them, or i get to race with them, i feel just as much a part of the team either way.
everyone else makes me feel like a ghost; my team makes me feel seen and heard and wanted and loved. like i’m important, like it would make a difference if i weren’t there. and to them, i am, and it would.

they’re my camp away from camp.

i don’t need alone time. i don’t really need much sleep.
i just need people like that. =)


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