i woke up this morning, looked at the clock and thought, “i need to get ready for work.” then i remembered, “wait, i got someone to cover for me today! i can sleep in!”
then as soon as i rolled over and closed my eyes again, i remembered why i called out of work and where i’d be going in a few hours.
more tears. i’m just so sick of crying.
it’s funny how ciu was the loneliest place in the world for three and a half years, now all of a sudden it’s the only place i want to be. even if they have no idea how to help me, at least i know that everyone who sees me crying knows WHY i’m crying. and that’s enough to make me feel a little bit okay.
campus is so quiet. no one is unaffected by this. whether they’re devastated over losing daniel, or just broken at the idea that something like this could happen in our innocent little bubble of a school, i haven’t passed a single person who looks totally normal. everyone is thinking.
seeing my team take care of each other has been beautiful. i’ve been sadder than i can ever remember being, but i’ve also felt more loved than i have in a long time. aside from going home for eight hours to sleep, i haven’t been alone once since it happened. we’ve carried each other every minute.
we all sat in the caf together at lunch, and for once all the looks we were getting weren’t because we were being loud and weird. people everywhere would walk in, look at all of us, then quickly look away. no one knows what to say to us.
but i don’t know what i want them to say. i went in the res life office to take a nap on their couch, and when mike asked how i was, i finally just exploded, “i HATE that question today. everyone’s asking us that and there’s NO way to answer it.” but mike pointed out, there are no good questions, and no good answers. everyone just says the first thing that comes to their minds.
how AM i, you ask?
when i answer, “i don’t know,” it’s not that i’m trying to bottle up my feelings and hide them from people. there just isn’t a word for what i am.
sad, sure. but that isn’t deep enough.
angry, absolutely. but it’s all mixed in with so many other things.
i’ve never felt quite this way because i’ve never lost someone this way.
all i know is this is the worst i’ve ever felt, and i want it to go away.
also, time feels totally bizarre. it hasn’t even been 48 hours yet. it feels like this has been going on for a week. it’s like the world slowed down. maybe it’s because i’m not having any fun, and that’s the only way that time flies?
i don’t know. i do know that i somehow have to go back to work tomorrow, so i should go to bed.
i wish i could live at ciu until saturday. i’m not okay anywhere, but being with other people who aren’t okay makes me slightly more okay than i would be anywhere else.