“The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.”
Imagine that God is talking, not Princess Leia, then replace Tarkin with my name and “star systems” with “all the blessings I gave you the past eleven months” and you’ve got what God was trying to tell me when I came home in May.
I remember at one point on the Race, probably at the end of Cambodia, I was listening to the Desert Song and thinking about the last line.
“This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again, the seed I’ve received I will sow.”
I wrote in my journal that I wanted to take all the healing I’d gone through in that season and pour it out on everyone I met in the next.
That was what God was asking me to do when I finished my Race. But I was so afraid to lose it. I held on for dear life to all of it and it drove me into the deepest depression I’d ever been in.
I didn’t know until the past few days that I didn’t think God was going to give me any more good things. I felt like after the richest, fullest year I’ve ever lived, in which I met the best friends I’d had and saw all the most beautiful places I’d been to…it was such a hyperbolic eleven months and it was difficult to believe that God would ever bless me more than that. Some people go their whole lives without that many gifts; maybe I got a lifetime’s worth of good things in 24 years and this was it.
I was finding all my worth and purpose in the gifts and forgetting the giver.
And in this case, the giver IS the gift, because even if I get nothing else, I get JESUS. Jesus is enough.
I can write that sentence and see the truth in it, but it doesn’t automatically fix things.
I still need to practice sitting in the truth.