Day 19: I worship independence.

I don’t want to be dependent on anything or anyone. Even God. Especially God.

This isn’t good, but that doesn’t make it not true. And I’m not the only one this is true of.

I love people and want them around all the time. I just wish I didn’t need them around all the time. I wish I were one of those people who could spend a day alone and feel recharged, but I’m not; I get bored after fifteen minutes and desperately lonely after an hour or two. The only thing I like to do by myself is drive, and that’s only because I like to not have anyone else’s say over what music I play.

I hated fundraising because it meant asking for help. I hate going to the doctor because I’d rather just wait it out and get better on my own.
I hate needing.

And I think that’s what bothers me so much about life with anxiety…and depression…and ADD…and everything else that’s different about me(I’d say “wrong with me” but I’m supposed to be practicing more positive words. I’m also not allowed to call myself crazy anymore). They’re weights I can’t carry alone. I need Jesus and I need the people he gives me.

I need people to all but literally hold my hand and walk me into unfamiliar social interactions when I’m panicking too intensely to get out of my car.
I need people to make decisions for me when I’m so depressed I can’t think. When all the little things in life are overwhelming and exhausting, I need someone to break them down and gently remind me that I won’t die if I do them. (When Kid President says we should give people high-fives just for getting out of bed, he’s talking about people like me)
As soon as I ask for what I need and someone reaches back, everything gets so much better. As soon as I cry with Jesus and let him fix things his own way, my issues seem much smaller.
But usually I’d rather be miserable and doing it all myself than at peace and letting God take the steering wheel.

I don’t like asking people for help because they might get tired of helping me, and I don’t like asking God for help because I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I’m a perpetual scorekeeper. I’m much more willing to ask people to help me who I’ve already helped in the past. (Total double standard, because if someone asks me for anything, I never ask myself if they’ve earned it; you deserve it just because I love you)
But I can never do enough for God to deserve his help.

The thing is though, JESUS ALREADY DID ENOUGH.
If someone paid off all my student loans tomorrow, I wouldn’t keep writing checks every month trying to pay them myself.
So why why why do I keep trying to buy the grace that Jesus bought for me?
Because independence is comfortable. It’s probably some kind of deeply rooted pride from being a middle child or something. That whole thirst to make myself stand out and all.

This isn’t a mountaintop post where I tell you about the hard lesson I learned and the story of how I learned it. This is a deep dark hole post where I tell you about the lesson I need to learn in order to get out of the hole.

Now all I can think of is “This ain’t no cave…” and imagining myself flying out of a big monster’s mouth.
If you need me I’ll be waiting for Jesus to pick me up in the Millennium Falcon.
I really hope there’s at least one Star Wars fan reading this and laughing with me.


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