Day 20: I wish I knew all that I knew now…

I apparently wrote the following two years ago. I don’t remember this but I found it in my drafts.

[In high school I was 20 pounds heavier than I am now.
People who knew me in high school hate that, because I didn’t have 20 pounds to healthily lose.
I gained and lost surprising amounts of weight all through college, all through horrible ways, but when I finally lost those 20 pounds and kept them off(and by that I mean, I can’t gain them back even if I try), it was only because of cross country. Running 40 miles a week does that to you.

Dear 17 year old, 128 pound, Linda who just graduated high school:
This is you at 22(yes, we live that long. At two points we’re going to try really hard to not be alive anymore. But God won’t let that work).
Someday you’re going to be skinny. And it’s not because anorexia finally worked for us; you’ll run cross country four years from now and that’s actually going to make you lose even more weight than starving yourself. But you still won’t have a boyfriend. You’ll just bruise more easily. It’ll hurt to sleep on your stomach in a sleeping bag, or to sit on hard floors.
You’re going to look at your barely chubby self who never wore makeup and realize that’s as beautiful as you’ve ever been. But it had nothing to do with how big or small you were(though let’s be real, you’re more huggable than I am; I’m not as squishy as you are). It’s because you’re happy. It’s because you literally don’t notice what you looked like, and no one else notices it either. And people LOVE you right now. Enjoy it. They aren’t going to for much longer.
Skinny isn’t fun. Skinny makes people worry about you.
Please stay fat and happy for as long as you can.]

What I wouldn’t give to be 128 pounds again. Even my high school self sounds small now. Curse you Asian carbs.

I must have written that in the spring of 2014, because the song I quote in the title is one we play at Moe’s all the time and I’d never heard it until I started working there. I don’t remember being so angry then. I must have been having a bad day, but really I don’t know what I was complaining so much about.

I don’t wish I knew ALL that I knew now. All I wish is that I’d quit watching scary movies, because at 22 and now, I was and am still furious with high school Linda for that.
Other than that, I’d learn all my lessons exactly how I learned them. Except for the one where I learn that I don’t have to eat American food like it’s going out of style(and that’s a perfect phrase, because I really would act like I was never going to see it again if I had access to it). That one I could stand to learn long before I even started the World Race.


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