Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels

Friday Feelings May 27th

I don’t know where I would be if things had gone my way.

A year ago today was the day my post-Race plans began to unravel.
I’d only been home for three days. God wastes no time.

I like the security of a well-laid plan. I don’t have to be the one making the plan; there just has to be some semblance of structure in place.

Time passed. God wasn’t letting my plan work, or my backup plan, but he also wasn’t telling me what HIS plan was. Or at least, I wasn’t hearing what it was.

The thing is though, all the little things that happened, the ones I chose and the ones I begged to escape from…they WERE the plan. Still are.

I think I got so used to big things(in six summers at camp, then eleven months on the World Race, then one more summer) that I’d forgotten that God uses the little things. The little heartbreak. The little fast food job. The little family of friends, in an only slightly less little church.

If my plan a year ago had happened, I really don’t think I’d be at Midtown. Not that my life would have taken a deathly wrong turn or anything…it just wouldn’t be where it is now. And I think, as much as I’ve cried and wished for that old plan…I think I prefer this. The messy middle that Jesus is walking me through.
I feel like I’m lost, but really I’m not. If God had let me do things my way, I’d actually be lost.

The other day I was listening to Seabird, and I thought about that.
And if I’m lost, thank God, I’m lost with you.

I don’t know if they mean to be singing about Jesus(they do love Jesus, so probably), but that’s what I hear.
I’m not lost. I’m standing still. In the exact spot where God wants me Sometimes I’ve felt like it isn’t what I want, but I’ve never once felt like I wasn’t where he wanted.

“Some people talk about life like it’s a boring book they’re being forced to read, and just want to make it to the end. That makes me sad, because I think life is an adventure. A long, hard, exciting, sad, fun, painful, confusing, beautiful, totally worthwhile adventure that we’re all on together, AND we get Jesus in it. I can’t really help but be thankful for a life like that.”

Facebook told me a few weeks ago that I wrote that three years ago.
That’s still true. And I’m still thankful.

Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels · Lighter Feels · Uncategorized

Friday Feelings, May 20th

Last last December when we were in Malaysia, my team got invited to a Chinese wedding.

Of course we went, and it was one of my favorite days.

Lizzy and Tina got up in front of everybody and sang with the children’s choir and we laughed our faces off.

We ate a seven course meal at the reception, one of the dishes being a giant fish the size of Arizona with its head still on, which none of us touched.

And me and Tina caught the bouquet. At the same time. Just like in Bride Wars.
We all knew she’d actually be the one to get married first, and I wasn’t and still am not the least bit mad about. We love Nathan and Tina.

Tomorrow that’s really happening.
I’ve never met Nathan but I feel like I know him, because living with Tina for four months means getting to hear a lot about him. In a good way, not in a “can she please shut up soon” way. They are wonderful and perfect for each other. They survived eleven months apart. Tina soldiered right on serving Jesus even when she missed him half to death(him being Nathan, not Jesus; Jesus obviously went on the World Race with her).

I don’t know what’s more exciting, finally seeing the wedding we’ve been waiting for even before it was really happening, or seeing my friends for the first time in almost exactly a year.

Tomorrow is a beautiful day.


Friday Feelings May 13th.

Now that we’ve sufficiently acknowledged the fact that I have multiple dead friends to be sad about this time of year, it’s beyond time to distract people from the mess that is my real life and record some light, nonsensical feelings instead. Soooo…

If you want a perfect example of my addictive personality in action, let’s talk about that time when I took a break from baseball and watched all 46 episodes of Scorpion in one week.
I’m not even sure if I like balance, but even if I did I’m virtually incapable of achieving it anyways.

Thankfully this show is an absolute jewel in the desert of non-cable TV and I don’t regret a minute spent watching it. It’s about lovable geniuses saving the world from secret high-tech threats and it’s just FUN. Like a roller coaster that’s all heart-racing in the middle but still lands you safely in the end. It isn’t super intense like House of Cards or crazy dramatic like Orange Is the New Black or trying too hard to be funny like the Big Bang Theory. Which are all shows that I like…but Scorpion is a show that I love.

Because what’s not to love? It’s full of everything good.
All the action and all the feels, both at once like Firefly(but more relatable because it doesn’t take place in space).
An ensemble cast with endless options for development(where they keep revealing just enough to keep you hooked but not so much that you ever begin to question how much longer they’ll stay interesting).
Smart people who are also funny. They’re different from the rest of the world but still found a family to do life with and a job they can thrive in.
So much room for activities. And it’s only had two seasons, so it’s not too late to start getting into it.

If you need more convincing, my mom likes it, which means there’s absolutely nothing offensive whatsoever, my littlest brother likes it, which means it’s not very violent or disturbing…and if my computer genius dad can suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy it, I don’t think anyone else can complain about their unrealistic heroics either. IT’S TV Y’ALL. It’s supposed to be fun. The good guys are supposed to win. The world is supposed to get saved even if it means breaking in and out of Fort Knox(oops, spoilers). Their adventures are no more far-fetched than any of Jack Bauer’s, and he got eight seasons of them.

I’ll gladly hang with these characters for eight years if they’ll stick around.


I’ll never ever stop wondering.

I remember the day that they announced who was going to nationals. We had been supposed to have two more races to determine who got to go, but Coach had lied to us. The names were read out and I’d known I wouldn’t hear mine, but it was just worse knowing that I had run my last race that would ever mean anything without knowing it was my last.

They set us free to go for our cool down run, but instead of joining the rest of the team on the trails, I sprinted back to the gym by myself and I collapsed on the grass in the back and cried.
A little bit later Daniel walked out the back door and stopped in his tracks when he saw me, like he wasn’t sure I wanted anyone around me. Awkwardly he said, “Um…hey?”
I whispered “Hey,” and waited for him to either ask what was wrong or leave me alone, but instead he just followed my lead and didn’t say anything. I felt like I should clarify my tears, so I added “I’m not going to nationals.”
He nodded and said sincerely, “That really sucks.”
I was so struck by the lack of any stupid cheer-up speech that I started crying again; he hadn’t given me any reason to pull it together and pretend to be happy.
He looked around, maybe hoping another girl would come out and comfort me, but then he sat down beside me. He didn’t say anything for a minute, which I liked, because I didn’t think anyone could say anything to make it better. But finally he said, “I wish you were going with us.”

Anyone else would have said something like “It’s okay!” “You’re still important!” “You’re a great runner!” It wasn’t okay, my season hadn’t mattered, and I’ve always been perfectly okay with the fact that I’m a hilariously terrible runner. Any of those things would not only have failed me to cheer me up, they would have made me put my guard up and suck in my tears and change the subject because in trying to make me not be sad, you’re telling me it’s wrong to be sad.
Daniel made it okay. Daniel let me be sad.

Daniel is exactly the kind of friend I’d want to talk to if something terrible happened.
Except Daniel was the one who died.
A lot of people said things like that in the days following that Mother’s Day from hell.
I wonder if he had any idea how irreplaceable he was.

I never told him how much that day behind the gym had meant to me. I never told him that every other person on the team made me want to scratch my eyes out that week; every one of them knew that nationals meant the world to me, but he was the only one who knew what to say to get me to smile again.
I wonder if everybody else just didn’t happen to get a chance to tell him things like that either. I wonder how many other people wished they were better friends with him outside of running. I wonder if all that had been different, if he would have stayed. I wonder if he thought he was protecting everybody he loved by leaving. I wonder how much time needs to pass before I give up on wondering, because even if I spend my whole life wondering, he’ll still be gone.

This Sunday when I got in my car to leave church, the radio was playing How to Save a Life by the Fray, appropriate because I listened to that song a lot the week it happened.

I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

I wonder if he had any idea how many of us would have done that for him.


Another Mother’s Day, another reminder

The actual anniversary of today is three days away, but I’ll always think about it on Mother’s Day because it happened on Mother’s Day.

When I woke up on May 11th, 2014, I didn’t know it then, but that was the last time I would wake up in a world where everything was okay.
Even though it’s been two years now, I think this year is harder because last year I was in South Africa. It was easier to pretend it didn’t really happen when I was so far away from the scene of the news.
This morning I pulled into church and my brain clicked and reminded me that I parked in the exact same spot where I parked that day. I got out of my car and stood where I stood when I heard Scott say the five words that broke my life in half.

But, it’s still Mother’s Day, regardless of any past tragedy, so I pulled it together and walked into the last building that I sat in before the world stopped.

I was so mad at Scott that day for not being in church, and furious that he wouldn’t tell me over the phone what was going on. I didn’t hear a word of the sermon that day because I was thinking about what could possibly be so wrong that he couldn’t even come be with Mom on Mother’s Day.

I remember everything about that day because it was the worst day of my life, but what I remember most is feeling. Unlike any other time I’d gotten heartbreaking news, it wasn’t a sudden shock followed by dizzying numbness; just words…

“They found Daniel Blanchard. Dead.”

…then the heaviest weight, consisting of every dark emotion that exists, set up camp in my heart and stayed that heavy for seven days. I felt all of it all at once and I never stopped feeling.

But I don’t need to tell the story again. I wrote it all here in the kind of detail that makes me feel like I’m living it again when I reread it.

And I don’t know how to write about what I’ve learned since then. I’m surprised how hard it hit me today; I don’t get that sad about it very often anymore. Not that I’m glad it happened or that I don’t miss him now and then, it’s just that I almost turned around and went right back home as soon as I realized where I was and remembered how I felt that day, and I never would have expected that intense of a reaction.

I think it wouldn’t be normal to never feel sad about it again.
I had a friend who hugged me after races even when we were both sweaty and gross, who hated running as much as I did but also loved the family that was our team as much as I did, who was the only one to just sit silently with me and let me cry when I didn’t make it to nationals, and who was just a wonderful person that I wished I’d taken more time to get to know better, and he’s dead because depression is a liar and the lies were too loud and staying alive hurt too much. That is sad, so I’m allowed to be sad about it.

I think that’s the biggest stride I made in this second year, because I was so impatient with my slow progress in moving on, and I never would have said that a year ago.
I think I’m mad that I can never again have a Mother’s Day where all I think about is how great my mom is, because even if it’s only for five minutes, I will always remember the worst day of my life. I’ll start celebrating on May 24th instead; that’s the day I saw my mom for the first time in eleven months. It’ll be like how America doesn’t celebrate MLK on his actual birthday.

And I think I’m going to be okay.

Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels

Friday Feelings, May 6th.

I’ve watched 25 episodes of Scorpion in 4 days. I don’t know why I doubted that I could get through the whole series in the span of my seven day free trial; either I underestimated my binging talents or I didn’t realize how much I’d love this show.

So, I was going to write a completely lighthearted ramble on everything great about this Firefly-esque gem…but that’ll have to wait for another Friday, because this morning I woke up and remembered what day it was.

Two years ago today was eleven days before training camp for the World Race.
And I came home from work that day to find that one of my squadmates had been killed in a car wreck late the night before. (past musings on this here)

But even though she didn’t get to go with us, I’ll never think of the Race without thinking of Anastasia because she was still an irreplaceable part of F squad. Her parents came to meet us at launch, they prayed and encouraged us for the entire eleven months, they shared all of our fundraising pages when any of us were cutting close on our deadlines, and they trusted us to do this:

and they are an absolutely wonderful family and I hurt for them so much today.

The Lord gave and the Lord took away and the Sloans will never stop blessing his name, and I’m endlessly thankful that God put them in our lives.