Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels

Friday Feelings May 27th

I don’t know where I would be if things had gone my way.

A year ago today was the day my post-Race plans began to unravel.
I’d only been home for three days. God wastes no time.

I like the security of a well-laid plan. I don’t have to be the one making the plan; there just has to be some semblance of structure in place.

Time passed. God wasn’t letting my plan work, or my backup plan, but he also wasn’t telling me what HIS plan was. Or at least, I wasn’t hearing what it was.

The thing is though, all the little things that happened, the ones I chose and the ones I begged to escape from…they WERE the plan. Still are.

I think I got so used to big things(in six summers at camp, then eleven months on the World Race, then one more summer) that I’d forgotten that God uses the little things. The little heartbreak. The little fast food job. The little family of friends, in an only slightly less little church.

If my plan a year ago had happened, I really don’t think I’d be at Midtown. Not that my life would have taken a deathly wrong turn or anything…it just wouldn’t be where it is now. And I think, as much as I’ve cried and wished for that old plan…I think I prefer this. The messy middle that Jesus is walking me through.
I feel like I’m lost, but really I’m not. If God had let me do things my way, I’d actually be lost.

The other day I was listening to Seabird, and I thought about that.
And if I’m lost, thank God, I’m lost with you.

I don’t know if they mean to be singing about Jesus(they do love Jesus, so probably), but that’s what I hear.
I’m not lost. I’m standing still. In the exact spot where God wants me Sometimes I’ve felt like it isn’t what I want, but I’ve never once felt like I wasn’t where he wanted.

“Some people talk about life like it’s a boring book they’re being forced to read, and just want to make it to the end. That makes me sad, because I think life is an adventure. A long, hard, exciting, sad, fun, painful, confusing, beautiful, totally worthwhile adventure that we’re all on together, AND we get Jesus in it. I can’t really help but be thankful for a life like that.”

Facebook told me a few weeks ago that I wrote that three years ago.
That’s still true. And I’m still thankful.

Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels · Lighter Feels · Uncategorized

Friday Feelings, May 20th

Last last December when we were in Malaysia, my team got invited to a Chinese wedding.

Of course we went, and it was one of my favorite days.

Lizzy and Tina got up in front of everybody and sang with the children’s choir and we laughed our faces off.

We ate a seven course meal at the reception, one of the dishes being a giant fish the size of Arizona with its head still on, which none of us touched.

And me and Tina caught the bouquet. At the same time. Just like in Bride Wars.
We all knew she’d actually be the one to get married first, and I wasn’t and still am not the least bit mad about. We love Nathan and Tina.

Tomorrow that’s really happening.
I’ve never met Nathan but I feel like I know him, because living with Tina for four months means getting to hear a lot about him. In a good way, not in a “can she please shut up soon” way. They are wonderful and perfect for each other. They survived eleven months apart. Tina soldiered right on serving Jesus even when she missed him half to death(him being Nathan, not Jesus; Jesus obviously went on the World Race with her).

I don’t know what’s more exciting, finally seeing the wedding we’ve been waiting for even before it was really happening, or seeing my friends for the first time in almost exactly a year.

Tomorrow is a beautiful day.

Friday Feelings · Heavier Feels

Friday Feelings, May 6th.

I’ve watched 25 episodes of Scorpion in 4 days. I don’t know why I doubted that I could get through the whole series in the span of my seven day free trial; either I underestimated my binging talents or I didn’t realize how much I’d love this show.

So, I was going to write a completely lighthearted ramble on everything great about this Firefly-esque gem…but that’ll have to wait for another Friday, because this morning I woke up and remembered what day it was.

Two years ago today was eleven days before training camp for the World Race.
And I came home from work that day to find that one of my squadmates had been killed in a car wreck late the night before. (past musings on this here)

But even though she didn’t get to go with us, I’ll never think of the Race without thinking of Anastasia because she was still an irreplaceable part of F squad. Her parents came to meet us at launch, they prayed and encouraged us for the entire eleven months, they shared all of our fundraising pages when any of us were cutting close on our deadlines, and they trusted us to do this:

and they are an absolutely wonderful family and I hurt for them so much today.

The Lord gave and the Lord took away and the Sloans will never stop blessing his name, and I’m endlessly thankful that God put them in our lives.