stories about life and God · stories about Midtown

A weird and beautiful gift

This post has lived in my heart for a while, but I always thought I’d wait to really write it when I’m older and wiser and able to be taken seriously. (which used to be my way of saying “married”)

Yesterday I decided I need to write this now, because no single person takes any married person seriously when they say this. (Don’t tell me you’ve never rolled your eyes at a well-meaning friend who’s telling the truth but also has the gift of hindsight)

And, final sidebar before I actually start saying things: if I told you how much I love pizza, you wouldn’t assume I was saying “I never want to eat ANYTHING but pizza forever”, would you? Of course not, so bear that in mind.

Singleness is really and truly a gift.
(Remember what I said about pizza. Do not hear me say I want only pizza forever. I am not writing this to declare any plan or desire to live and die eating nothing but pizza. Also this is a metaphor, if that wasn’t hilariously obvious)

I didn’t always believe this. I obviously learned it the long and hard way, partly because this is a long and hard truth for almost anyone to grasp, but mostly because I learn everything the long and hard way.

I’ve wanted to get married since I was five. I remember regularly praying out loud to God at bedtime to please not let me die until I got married, and I remember a Sunday school teacher asking me once what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said “Somebody’s wife.”

Somehow in high school I was oddly wise and knew that there was no point in dating until I was grown up and knew where my life was going, which was my totally naïve term for “in college.”

Because in my sweet and innocent mind, I fully assumed that marriage was an obvious and guaranteed step in the not-terribly-far future. Until my sophomore year of college when I transferred to CIU and was suddenly surrounded by worthwhile guys…and, none of them wanted me. I was the girl that guys talked to about sports and occasionally borrowed a 3-hole puncher from(nobody else on campus had one; word spread quickly). Majoring in youth ministry and minoring in the friend zone.

From here God would very, very slowly mold and break and rebuild me and my ideas about life and marriage and where I found my joy and identity. In three stages, because again, I learn the hard way.

#1-Singleness as a burden and marriage as the reward for carrying it

Throughout college the thing I struggled with the most was that I wanted a good thing. Never in my whole life, even when I was young and unreasonable, had I seriously liked a guy who didn’t love Jesus or who made me feel bad about myself or who my brother didn’t like. And since I was asking for inherently good things, I couldn’t fathom why God wouldn’t give them to me right this minute.
Thankfully God loves me too much to give me everything I ask for.

Looking back I know that while I was waiting for God to send me a guy so I could feel whole and right and content with life, he was protecting my well-meaning but misguided heart by not letting any of those otherwise good guys pursue me, because I would have let go of a lot of other good things for what I thought was the best thing.

#2-Singleness as the station and marriage as the train that would take me places
Then I was a bridesmaid for one of my friends…where I cried through half the ceremony and most of my drive home, because I just wanted what Kristin was getting. I got home and crawled into bed, sobbing to God that I just needed to know WHY I still had to wait. And while he didn’t give me a bulleted schedule like I’d prefer, I remember that I’d never felt so sad while also feeling so loved and full, like crying with a friend who’s listened to my pain for years and completely understands what I want and wants it for me. I’d known since I was fourteen that I wanted whoever he wanted for me, but this was the first time I started to want my dreams whenever God wanted.

 I started my third semester of senior year and interviewed for the World Race, and when I was accepted, I had to commit to stay single from that day until the end of month 11. I was mostly fine with this; if I had a guy waiting for me back home I’d never survive. And also because, though I had no idea of this at the time, I believed deep down that this was my last hurdle as a single person and God would practically have my future husband waiting at the airport when I got back to the US.

Right before training camp, I was talking to one of those guy friends who’d always talked to me about sports and borrowed that 3-hole puncher once. And then we kept talking.

We talked now and then throughout the World Race, more and more as I got closer to coming home. Then one night in my eleventh and final month, he told me he liked me and I said me too, and half my heart checked out for the last two weeks of the richest year of my life.

I landed in the US, jet lagged and aimless and begging God for a plan, hoping it would involve this boy. He was supposed to take me on a date two days after I got home. Instead he canceled the night before, then passively rejected me and broke my heart.

Apparently, I thought I was strong and independent and only needed Jesus to approve of me…but I was wrong, because this flawed human boy still had the power to crush me. Which painfully proved that I still saw a relationship as the goal and Jesus as a temporary comfort.

#3-Singleness as a gift and marriage as a gift and Jesus as everything*
After five dark months and so much wrestling with God, I was somehow able to get connected to Midtown and got placed in a Lifegroup with all married people. Which at first I thought was a cruel joke on God’s part but I quickly found out that married friends are actually the best.(more on that here)

Fast forward another year and five months, to March of this year, on Midtown’s family vacation. I’d expected to feel out of place all weekend and spend most of the time wishing I had what all my friends had. But I never once felt different or weird, just loved and at home and more like myself than I’d felt in two years, and I decided that I’m in my favorite season.

As much as I love making more married friends, I always thank God for the rare and delightful opportunity to make a single friend(it’s like driving past a Lambo), so I’d ridden up that weekend with our Lifegroup’s babysitter who I’d had exactly one conversation with before. (This is important because new people normally terrify me; God needed me to meet her) On the drive home we were talking about not having families and how that gives us really unique ways to serve a church full of couples and kids, and how we get to learn so much from all of them, and Stephanie said she’s thankful to be single and I said “ME TOO”, so excited to have found someone else who felt that way…and then I laughed at myself because I hadn’t noticed when I started believing that. But I knew as I said it that I really, truly, finally had landed in that beautiful place of pure joy and contentment, and I knew I’d been sitting there for a while without even realizing it.

The best part is knowing what a good thing this is while I actually still have it. I’m not saying that singleness is better than marriage; I think they’re both equally awesome, but also really different, and most people(hopefully including me) get to experience both. I don’t want to waste one season wishing for the other because this is what Jesus has given me today and I’m going to thank him for it and squeeze every bit of joy out of it that I can. And I’ll do the same with whatever he gives me tomorrow because he only gives me good things.

For now I get all this extra time to watch all these good marriages around me and learn from them, and I get to spontaneously do things on weeknights because I have no one to rush home for, and I get to give date nights to my friends because I don’t have my own kids to hang out with so I’m always glad to borrow theirs, and I can serve in Kidtown all the time because I never need a break from kids…I could go on. Marriage will come with its own set of blessings, if it comes.

I still want the same things I’ve always wanted…but more than anything I want Jesus and I want to say yes to him, and I never want to slip back into believing that I need anything else to complete me because I’ve already wasted enough years on that ugly white lie.
If I end up married, I’ll thank him and praise him, and if I stay where I am forever, I’ll thank him and praise him. Because I still get HIM.

He’s enough for you too and he’s bigger than anything else you’ve wanted before. Don’t waste all your joy right now because you think marriage will give you even more. And even if you do get married eventually, it’ll still be Jesus who completes you; you never outgrow needing him, and until you stop running from that truth and start resting in it, you’ll never be fully content even if every other desire you have is fulfilled.
He is infinitely enough.

And in case you forgot…this is coming from a single person.

 

*I debated on saying “singleness as chips and queso, and marriage as the meal,” because at Mexican restaurants I never notice how long it takes for my order to come as long as they don’t stop bringing me chips, and then I love my tacos just as much as the chips…different but equally great.

If you want more, because there are a lot of not even slightly helpful articles about singleness out there, here are a few great things that other people wrote over the years that helped me arrive at this point.
~My squad mentor from the World Race on being single in your late 20s; this one is at 29, but in there you’ll find links to 26, 27 and 28. She’s the dang best(and she is ENGAGED!)
~On never using the phrase “at least”
~On not waiting for marriage to make your life complete
~The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas is my favorite and most practical book I’ve ever read for single people.
~The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
~And, as much as I joke about this book now, I have to credit I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris for starting this ball rolling when I was fourteen. It’s a mildly extreme view, but it has very solid roots.

stories about life and God · stories about school

why i stayed.

part 1:[written december 14th, 2013]

when i first set a countdown to graduation, there were 864 days on it. this was at a hard time in my life when i just couldn’t deal with school on top of everything else going on. it seemed like an eternity away.
this is the part where normal people would say “and then i blinked and that day was today,” or maybe, “but it flew by before i ever realized it.” but i’m anything but normal.
to me, it felt like four eternities.

for real.

normal people would then say, “now i’m so sad it’s over.” again, i don’t do normal.
i wish it had ended months ago.
mentally, my semester ended on october 21st. that was the day everything that meant anything ended.

friday night after graduation, my friend came up to me at work and asked if i was sad to be done, and i said “no, i’ve been counting down for over two years.” he replied “then WHY did you stay? i mean, why was it even worth it to finish?”

that’s a valid question.

honestly, college was four years of disappointment punctuated by occasional happy surprises. that’s not me being negative; it’s just the truth.
but you know, not all good things are easy.
i stayed because God wanted me to finish.
i stayed because there was no other way for me to learn everything i learned.
i stayed because too many people had either outright claimed or just implied that i couldn’t do it, and the rebellious child in me wanted to prove them wrong.
now that it’s over, i can look at it objectively enough to realize that it’s okay that it was so hard. because even though i hated it, it was exactly what God needed it to be in order to get me where he wants me to be.
i’m really not bitter. i know college is supposed to be the best days of your life, but i got my best days early; high school was the happiest i’ve ever been. i should have known better than to expect my whole life to be as good as that.

part 2:[written today]
i honestly and truly HATED college, with every fiber in my being. i’m not being dramatic, and since i’m saying this two months later, i’m definitely not just saying that because i’m in the middle of a hard week of classes. people told me i would miss it after graduation. they said once it was all over, i’d realize it wasn’t as hard as it felt at the time.
nope. i hated it. i still have nightmares about it. it really was my hell on earth.
but i also honestly and truly believe that that’s how it was supposed to be.

i’ve always needed to learn things the hard way. nothing sticks in my brain unless it’s been ground into it with as much pain as possible.

of all the lessons God used those hellish four years to teach me, i’ve finally pinpointed the most important one.
when life is good, i forget to thank God for it. college was what he needed to break me of that.
i made it have to be that hard. he gave me chances to take the easy way out. he constantly gave me good things, put good people in my life, then i’d worship the things instead of him and depend on the people for my fulfillment instead of him.
and so he’d take the gifts away to test if i’d learned yet…and i’d fall apart. every time was worse than the last. each time when things got good again, my Jesus high would last a little longer than the one before it, but it would always go downhill eventually. i was only excited about him because he was giving me good things.

in the calm before the storm that was november 2012, i read this devotion from Jesus Calling.

Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential. Receive My blessings with open hands. Enjoy My good gifts, but do not cling to them. Turn your attention to the Giver of all good things, and rest in the knowledge that you are complete in Me. The one thing you absolutely need is the one thing you can never lose: My Presence with you.

now i knew what i was supposed to be learning. the lesson was in my head; now it would take 15 months for it to settle into my heart.
from then on, i tried every time things got bad to remember that i needed to be turning to God instead of to people or grades or sports or my car. but he still kept letting things happen.
i wasn’t really trusting him; i was telling him i trusted him, saying the magic words so that he’d let me keep what i thought would really fix my life.
when all along i’d always had everything i needed.

i’m not sure when i learned it; i’ve only realized in the last week that i did.
i thought about how my post-graduate life is nothing like i expected or wanted it to be...
-i’ve only gotten two donations to my World Race fund in the past six weeks.
-it took me seven weeks to get a job, and i spent those seven weeks feeling restless and frustrated and just not happy. watching tv for 12 hours a day isn’t as satisfying when you’re only doing it because you have literally nothing better to do.
-and i don’t love my job. i don’t hate it; i actually like it a little bit. but i don’t get sad when i wake up on my day off, and that’s weird to me because i’ve never had a job that i didn’t absolutely love.
…and i found myself more fully content than i’ve ever been in any time that things happened just how i wanted them to.

so then i wrote this, which got me processing exactly how i got there…and now we’re here.

the only thing i need is the only thing i’ll never lose.
he is perfect, and he’s totally worth every bit of suffering i had to go through to get to the point where i understood that.

every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.~james 1:17

delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.~psalm 37:4

stories about life and God

i really am thankful.

“What if all you were left with today when you got up was what you thanked God for yesterday?”

that quote that everyone’s read twenty times was on my friend’s facebook status this morning. i read it and thought about it.
i’d have my car, and its radio and heater would still work, because i specifically thanked him for both those things on my way home from work.
i’d have my job, and all the same people would work there, because i thanked him for each of them by name.
i’d have all of the blankets on my bed, because last night as i was falling asleep, i didn’t thank God for the bed itself, but i did thank him that i had more blankets that i needed; so maybe by definition, he’d let me keep the bed too.
and i’d still be going on the World Race.
that isn’t much. and if we’re getting technical, i wouldn’t be able to drive my car because i didn’t thank him for my license, which means i also couldn’t get to my job. i couldn’t even have my mom drive me there because i forgot to thank God for her. really i couldn’t go anywhere because i didn’t thank him for clothes or money…so i’d just be living in my car, wrapped up in my blankets.

but as i came to the end of that thought process, i laughed at myself and realized, i don’t care what God takes from me as long as he doesn’t take himself. the only thing i’d be somewhat devastated about is not having my Bible.

all my life i’ve been afraid to lose things and terrified to lose people.
but somewhere along the line, in the last few months, he’s finally become enough. or, i’ve finally realized that he’s always been enough. if i woke up tomorrow with only him, i’d be okay.
i can finally 100% mean it with every bit of me that he means more to me than anything or anyone ever has or ever will, and that’s the most freeing feeling in the world.
and i’m thankful that he understands my ADD heart well enough to know that i AM thankful for all the other things, even if i don’t always verbalize every single one of them every single day. he’s given me too many good gifts for me to remember them all at once. =)

just a thought. · semi-random reflections

such a sad synecdoche.

when i took hermeneutics, this became one of my favorite words. it makes me sad that i don’t get to use it in conversation much.

a synecdoche is a form of figurative language when you refer to a part of something as if it was the whole thing.
like when you say “my car broke down,” and mean the engine fell out. it’s the engine, not the whole car, that’s broken.

or when i say “i love soccer.” or worse, when someone says about me, “she’s really good at soccer.”

i don’t love soccer. i LOVE playing goalie, and i’m okay at it. that in and of itself is my hands down favorite “sport.” but other than that, i hate soccer and i suck at it.

i had a conversation about that with someone the other day(they couldn’t wrap their minds around the concept of “no i don’t play soccer, i’m just the goalie”), and then i started thinking.

sometimes we pick and choose which parts of our lives to trust God with and which to try to take care of on our own. which disciplines we need to practice and which aren’t important for us.

so you’re going to church every sunday? that’s good. are you spending any time with God the other six days of the week? that’s a bigger issue.

it’s like we’re bragging about how well our windshield wipers work while the transmission’s been dead for a month.

just a thought.

stories about life and God

proof that God believes in Aldrin Justice.

two things that anyone who knows me probably knows, and that anyone reading this blog needs to know in order to understand me:

1. i have a slightly obnoxious tendency to relate tv to real life.

2. How I Met Your Mother is my absolute favorite show.

if you don’t watch it, then you don’t know what i’m talking about, so let me explain Aldrin Justice before i tell you how God used it on me.

in season 2, we learn that lilly has her own personal justice system wherein when someone is mean, she takes one of their “toys” and won’t give it back until they learn to be nice(she’s a kindergarten teacher for most of the show, aside from this episode where she gets a job in ted’s office, and she started this idea with her kids but eventually found it works with everyone).

God has been doing this to me recently. in a lot more than just this situation, but it was this morning that made me realize what else he’s been doing.

i get in my car to go back to school, and the tape player(yes, my ghetto car has one of those. i love it) keeps spitting my ipod adapter back out at me. i couldn’t get it to work, but i can’t focus in silence either, so i switch it back to the radio…and it won’t come on.

i decide, ok fine. i need something to keep my mind working, so i guess i’ll just have to pray.

me and God were having a nice talk, and when i was almost to the interstate, i told him “this is the most we’ve talked in a long time…that’s really sad. i don’t wanna only talk to you when i need you to help me drive.”
but i was going down the on ramp by the end of that sentence, so i really needed his help.
after i made it on and over to the middle lane so the crazy drivers coming out of malfunction junction couldn’t squish me,  i said, “ok, thanks God. hey, if i had music right now, i wouldn’t have been thinking about you, and that little fiasco would have been way scarier. did you plan that?”
as he always does when i ask him a question i know the answer to, he didn’t say anything. but you know how sometimes you feel God instead of hearing him? well right as i said that, i got the same feeling that i do when i’m with a friend and i say something stupid and obvious like that and we laugh together. instead of answering, he let me know he was lovingly laughing at me.
i laughed out loud and said “thanks for making my car quiet today.”
and he said “you needed it.” i hadn’t known it, but that was most definitely exactly what i needed.

as soon as i parked at school, i hit the button on the radio one more time just to see if it would work. and it came right on.

in short: i was bad. God took my music. i started being good. God gave it back.

i know that this isn’t always how God works, and i’m not saying you should start trying to overspiritualize every little thing that goes wrong with your day. but for me and my experiential learning style and my love of metaphors, God does use little things like that to teach me things a lot of the time. something that isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but that i’ve let become a distraction, will go missing from my life, and instead of finding that missing thing, i find God. and when i remember that he’s more important, i usually get the small thing back, but even if i don’t, i usually find that i didn’t need it that much.

there will soon be a part 2 to this post about what God might be doing with a bigger thing in my life. i still have a lot of thoughts to get together, and i’m still waiting to hear from the doctor.

UPDATE 4/9
annnnnd part 2. =]

semi-random reflections · stories about life and God

family reunions.

my church is my home and my youth group is my family. by that, i mean they’re everything to me that a literal family is.

they made me who i am. i’ve had the best times and the most terrible awful times with them. they’ve changed and so have i. but they love me and i love them, because they’re mine, and always will be.

over the last few years i’ve found that finding a new church doesn’t make my “old” church not my home anymore; it’s just like growing up and getting my own house. it’s normal and it’s good, and i’m still welcome back home anytime.

which is why once a year, i get what i call a reunion.

of the six times i’ve gone to ridge haven, i was only actually a student for the first two of them. but it’s still the same every year.

we laugh. we eat. we play catchphrase. we eat some more. we murder each other, we play capture the flag in the dark, make smores, slide down hills, roll in dirt, throw shaving cream on each other, wave at strangers, and sing in public bathrooms. and then we eat a little more to top it all off.

everyone gets to be who they are, and everyone gets to be loved for it. it’s the safest place in the world.

just like in a real family, the “big kids” grow up and start being all responsible someday, but in the end, the important things stay the same. it doesn’t matter if you’re 12 or 21.

it’s still home.

“yeah everything goes away…but i’m gonna be here til forever, so just call when you’re around.

stories about life and God

it’s working!

so, i haven’t gotten much sleep the past two nights…but before you say i told you so, it’s not because the floor hurts too much. i’m just scared of the dark and slept on top bunks my entire life, so sleeping down where i can see so much of the room really sucks. just like at camp when i first move into the cabin leader room, i’ll get used to it and be fine in a few days.

well i was telling myself that thursday morning right after i woke up exhausted…then over the next few hours, the tiny cold i’d felt coming on the day before grew into one of those awful colds where your head is so stuffed up it feels like it weighs ten hundred pounds, and all you want to do is lay down. on a pillow.

all that to say, satan is really trying to get me to throw a pity party and give up.

not happening. instead, the slight misery is making me thankful.

for half a second last night i thought “okay, this is stupid. i’m sick, i should get in my bed just for tonight and then tomorrow i’ll start again. i’m not doing this to hurt myself, right?”

but then i thought, homeless people get sick too, and they don’t have the option of taking a night off from staying under a bridge.*

so i laid there and prayed myself to sleep asking God to especially be with anyone out there who’s not only sleeping on the ground in the cold but also sick. and i woke up this morning still sick, still sore and still tired, yet so happy and full.

2 nights down, 38 to go. it’s flying by already, isn’t it? =]

*i did finally end up putting a balled up blanket under my head like an almost-pillow…but i figured, that isn’t cheating because if i lived on the street and needed my sinuses to unclog themselves, i’d lay on a hill or find extra newspapers to put under my head or something.

stories about life and God

upside down.

continuing my thoughts from my last-minute-before-lent post.

just a reminder, i did completely steal this idea from a random site that google gave me when i searched “creative ideas for lent.”

when i first saw “give up sleeping in your bed,” i thought it was crazy. what in the world would be the point?

well. i see this whole idea like turning a familiar picture upside down; it gives you a whole new perspective and forces you to notice different things about it.

so for fun, i made a list of all the different people i could think of that go without this simple luxury that probably none of us, me included, ever stop to imagine not having.

1. homeless people all over america(plenty of them within a mile or two of my school), sleeping under bridges, in dumpsters, on piles of newspapers in alleyways…the list goes on.
2. orphans on the street in third world countries.
3. slaves in india who are kept in cages until someone buys them.
4. plenty of people who have homes but hardly much else; i’ve heard of a camper or two whose bunk at la vida was the first bed they’d gotten to sleep on in months.
5. kids with evil parents who have plenty of money but still treat them like crap.
6. missionaries in some countries. actually, i’m pretty sure the world race team we met in costa rica was sleeping in tents.
7. Jesus. seriously; look up luke 9:58.

i’m sure i could think of more. but really. that right there is the most i’ve ever thought about that.

yes, we all know there are lots of “poor people” out there. but have you ever thought specifically about each individual need that they go without each day?

turn it upside down.

stories about life and God

forty days without a bed.

i love my bed. i spend as much time in it as possible. i do my homework there, i watch tv there, half the time i eat there. oh, and every once in a while when i decide to sleep, i use it for that too.

because i like mine so much, it makes me really sad to think about people who don’t get to sleep in one every night.

so. since i’ve always wanted to do something for lent(but never pick something in time, or always pick something really lame and decide after a few days that it wouldn’t teach me anything[like chewing gum{cuz that’s just the biggest wedge between me and God, you know}, or wearing makeup{for me that would be like a vegetarian giving up meat}]),

and since i’ve had everything i need every day my entire life and have no clue what it is to suffer,

i’m giving up my bed. starting tomorrow i’ll be sleeping on my floor(or when it gets warmer outside, in my eno) for the next forty nights.

why?

because i’m such an experiential learner that the best way for me to really understand someone’s pain is to go through it.

because i complain way too much about this beautiful life i have and could use some perspective.

because the best way for me to get into the habit of praying for these people who have nothing is to get out of my comfort zone.

because i’m so much more aware of my blessings when i’m without them for a while. after forty days, i’ll never forget to thank God for giving me a comfy place to sleep/do homework/basically live ever again.

things worth noting:
-the whole purpose of lent in general is to either go without something, or do something every day, that will bring you closer to God during the easter season. it doesn’t necessarily have to be something lots of other people are doing, it doesn’t have to make you miserable, but it does need to challenge you. so after thinking about it a lot(and, i’ll admit, googling “ideas for lent”) and landing on all the reasons above, i decided that for me, this works.
-i’m not trying to hurt myself, or realistically put me in the exact situation of someone who doesn’t have a bed; honestly, my floor with its fluffy rug is more comfortable than a dumpster or a cage. i’ll be fine.
-i don’t think that there being hundreds of thousands of people in the world without a bed makes it wrong for me to sleep in one.
-just like vegetarians don’t save any animals by not eating meat, i know my not sleeping in my bed won’t in and of itself help anyone who doesn’t have a bed. that isn’t the point.

basically, i’m not protesting or making any kind of political statement; i’m just challenging myself.

so, that’s that. if you go to ciu and you’re up for an eno party one night in a few weeks, i am absolutely game. =]

stories about life and God

dream jobs.

the best thing about being a senior: taking only 13 credits. i’ve never enjoyed school more than i do now that i have time to enjoy it.
the worst thing about being a senior: being asked eight times a day “what are you doing after you graduate?”
well, i don’t know yet. but for the sake of giving an answer, here’s what i’d like to do. in a perfect world, i would…

1. be a full-time cabin leader. recruit campers and staff from august to may, then spend the summers at camp.
2. live in a house full of teenage girls that no one else loves. listen to their stories and tell them mine. help them fix up all their scars that everyone else has either not cared enough to notice, or seen and run away from.
in short, laugh together. cry together. live together.
3. travel the world with IJM and set all the slaves free. then those girls can come live with me too.

by now you’ve probably noticed the same themes that i have: i like helping people, and i really like living with people.
ever since we talked about it in costa rica, i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of God’s plan for us including all of our passions. so i’ve started listing new combinations of them anytime i think of them.
and i’ve decided that writing is my favorite thing in the world to do. no matter what i’m doing, i have to write about it. it’s how i process things, and being the ridiculous extrovert that i am, i always feel like any experience is wasted if i don’t share it with people. when i learn something new and cool, the first thing i want to do is tell someone about it. when i find a good quote on pinterest, i share it on facebook. and the only reason i wish i had a smartphone is because i see so many things a day that i would instagram.
basically i don’t like to keep anything to myself. obviously i don’t tell everything to everyone, but i do tell everything to someone.
recently i’ve been realizing just how badly God wants me to use that for him. writing in general, but mostly my love of sharing things by writing.
so i thought of one more possibility.

4. go around the world and learn about every possible culture and ministry that i can, then write about everything i learn so that people can read about them, get excited about them, and want to get in on some of them. because another one of my passions is helping other people find theirs, and who knows, someday someone could read about theirs from me.

but no matter which one pans out, i have to finish school first; i’ve made peace with the fact that even though God will never tell me why i’m here(at least not while i’m still here) he most definitely does want me here.
which i still have my complaints about…but now that i know they won’t change God’s mind, i’m working on trying to change mine.

one last thing before i stop writing about life and start writing about Love Wins*: i’ve discovered that writing is the only thing that i like to do alone. everything else in life is always better with company, but i hate to write when there are people in the room, simply because i love people too much to not talk or listen to them if i have the chance. so it frustrates me, as much as i love them, to be around people when i’m seriously trying to put an idea on a page.

*for my theology class. when i finish the book and have my thoughts together i’m sure i’ll have a lot to say here too.