hiding.

every single girl in the world, of any age, needs to read “captivating”. i’m only four chapters in, but i have to keep stopping to highlight things or write stuff in the margins. how does stasi eldredge know so many thing i’m thinking? all the time, every single day?

i haven’t gotten to the part where it tells me how to live with the way i am. so far i’ve just gotten a whole lot of this is why, and it’s okay, because everybody else is that way too, and God made you to be that way, so everyone should be happy.

in nicer words than i wrote it.

[side note: you know, i wonder if this is why some people think i’m mean. people who don’t know me that well don’t get that i just have a semi-negative sense of humor and the point is for you to laugh at it]

i have cried at least once in every chapter. this woman is reading my mind and writing a book about it.

only instead of saying “you” like she’s talking to me, she says “we”. like she and every other girl out there is as much a mess as i am. so everyone else is really as screwed up as me? or maybe it’s really saying that in a couple of ways, i’m actually normal.

in chapter four, they talk about being wounded and what it does to us. and they say a lot about how it makes us hide.

someone at csu told me that i hide from people. my response? “it’s not hiding if no one’s looking for me.” true enough, that was the case out there, but i can’t use that excuse now.
i really am an extrovert. like, off the charts. which gives people all the more power to hurt me, because i need them around me all the time, and when they choose not to be, i shut down.

i have been hurt, by all kinds of people, in all kinds of ways. no one can be trusted. and so i had to figure out my own ways to protect myself. i figured anyone i let close to me would either leave me, tell someone else everything i’ve told them, or just get sick of me.

and when that happens, i hide.
weezer said it perfectly:

why bother? it’s gonna hurt me.

it’s gonna kill when you desert me.

this happened to me twice before, 

it won’t happen to me anymore.

like in any other situation that i hate, i pretend not to care. but in the words of albus dumbledore, “you do care. you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death from the pain of it.” and i think that only pushes people further away.
i didn’t used to hide at ciu. the first two months were like camp with a little bit of school in between. then came the stupid midtown retreat. i had happily forgotten that real people are mean, and i was smacked in the face with the reminder of it that weekend. i got back to ciu, took to my bed for a week, pulling back to see if anyone would come looking for me. when no one did, that was the end of that. (note: i do love ciu and never felt otherwise. it’s just that everyone likes me but no one knows me. the last part is my fault, but the idea of fixing that is terrifying)

i don’t like hiding. even at csu where it was the only way i felt safe, i still didn’t like it. but once i start, i don’t know how to come out of the little hole i’ve dug.

the book says other girls do that too.(although, it also says most girls start eating their feelings; i do the opposite and worse) 

but i haven’t met those girls. i feel like i’m surrounded by happy girls who let everyone know them and have completely unscarred hearts that they let everyone see. if they’re all just as bad as i am, they must do a lot better at hiding it.

which makes me try all the more. if they can put on such a good act, i should be able to do the same, and there must be something wrong with me that i can’t.

the more i read, the more i realized that this isn’t good. life wasn’t meant to be lived behind walls, and hearts weren’t meant to be bubble wrapped.

as i was reading this whole hurting chapter, i got this song in my head.

to anyone who hides behind a smile, to anyone who holds their pain inside

to anyone who thinks they’re not good enough, to anyone who feels unworthy of love

to anyone who ever closed the door, closed the door and locked themselves away

you don’t have to hide, you don’t have to hide anymore

you don’t have to face this on your own, you don’t have to hide anymore.

so come out, come out, come out wherever you are

anyone who’s tryin to cover up their scars

come out, come out and join the rest of us

you’ve been alone for way too long.

and if you feel like no one understands,

come to the one with scars on his hands.

cuz he knows where you are and where you’ve been,

his scars will heal you if you let him. 

                                                                                                                                  

 and then this other song came in my head as i was typing that other one.     
                                   

i feel it in your eyes, there’s pain that covers up these lies

now you may look like me, but it seems you’re really different on the inside

we used to keep our hearts safe,

we kept them safe and locked away.

but then we grew up learning that life could serve us in a better way.

and why, i’m asking you why

so what happened to your eyes, i saw them wander just like mine

so how did we come to see so differently after all this time

[then the next part is my favorite. it’s the biggest reason why we should be real with people. if the world thinks Christians are perfect, it makes them scared of us. what if they knew how screwed up we all were? if we don’t even realize the hope we have, how can they find it?]

well if the sheep know his voice, tell me what is the choice

for those who haven’t heard and have no need to rejoice

father, help me understand.[tenth avenue north]

i think i’ll just digress into a whole bunch of song lyrics now. i already made my point anyways.

you turned away when i looked you in the eye

and hesitated when i asked if you were all right

seems like you’re fighting for your life, but why, oh why?[tobymac] 

are we happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness, and smiles that hide our pain
but if the invitation’s open to every heart that has been broken
maybe then we’ll close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade. [casting crowns]


she won’t make a sound, alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering
if she stands, she’ll fall down.
she wants to be found, the only way out is through everything she’s running from
she wants to give up and lie down
so stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it’s all falling down
you’ll stand through the pain, you won’t drown, and one day what’s lost will be found. [superchick]

i’ll be posting more comments on the book as i keep reading.